my blog, my world, my thoughts, my words

part i

how true the saying "life is a learning journey" is. everyday u learn abt something new. either u learn from it, u improve from it, or u just totally ignore it.

"No la.. i am fine.. Used to it.. Used to u always making empty promises.."

one of the trait i thought i do not have. i must admit i am a blardy bad procrastinator. but someone who goes back on his own words? hmm no matter how hurting that sentence is, its something i have to rectify lest i become a 'munafiq'

then again, sometimes, u just cant follow through whatever u have promised due to the way u see things, or due to some foreseen dynamics which some people are just obviously ill-equipped to see or rather, too childishly single-minded in getting what was wanted. so i guess the solution is not to promise anything.

how do u deal with opinionated people? especially when u know that he is utterly in the wrong? do u go all out to prove that u are right? if so, whats the point? to try to wring some remorse out of the weaker human being when he has been proven wrong? i'd rather take the high moral ground yet again and let him persist in whatever he is doing.

part ii

i have not been really updating my blog for 4 days. its either i cant get around to using the pc for a considerable period of time or when i am already in front of the pc, i cant seem to squeeze any literary juices from my brain.

originally, sunday was reserved to meet my elder cousin. but that 'date' was changed to friday evening instead. so i booked out early and met her at bugis. and as usual, girls always think that they have the prerogative to be late. no matter, met her and her fiancee before moving off to dinner.

had a simple meal at the tong seng coffeeshop at that lane. a very popular coffeeshop selling halal chinese food. after which we went shopping. accompanying my cousin and her fiancee to shopping reminds me on how my mum and dad shop. similar. she will keep on trying that same pair of shoes, going thru all possibilities before finally deciding on getting it. and seriously, i yearn to be in such situations. to be the guy that is.

after getting her shoes at barcode, we went to look for boxers, before finally going down to citylink right at the minute that the retail assistant at that surfer shop was about to close the doors. and of course we were allowed in. he, my cousin-in-law-to-be that is, straight away snapped the quiksilver slippers that was on 20% discount. apparently he has done his 'research'.

we then went to coffee bean at funan. and we chatted and savour the coffee. i bought the iced vanilla latte which i later regretted very much.

earlier on, i finally come to terms with the fact that i wont get what i have been chasing after. that realisation coupled with the nauseating feeling resulted from the vanilla latte was terrible! at least i must say that sms-ing the bitch, bitching abt that stuff do alleviate the emotional gloom a lil bit.

saturday morning was spent at suntec 'attending' the Mindef Pride Day. yes i was there, but i didnt even view any of the exhibits. was more interested in waiting for the shops there to open. so i watched a bit of 'Return of the King' in carrefour before finally window shopping.

i actually went Tianpo and tried out their bracelet. that was a first! tried on a few of their bracelets and i love being treated like a prince by attentive sales personnels. emerged out of the shop actually feeling pleased with myself.

went around suntec and citylink looking at shoes and clothes. there was one salesgirl at Suntec Topshop who is actually very sweet i must say. she greeted me when i entered the shop and bade me goodbye when i left. but was too distracted with my ownself to do anything else except to just smile to her.

i went home feeling a lil bit better. and i must say, now i understand absolutely why girls regard shopping as a therapy. and yeah, its absolutely wonderful.

went to granny's in the afternoon as usual only to end up bored when night comes. so i sms-ed a younger cousin. he was already on his way to religious class before i 'psycho' him to just go out with me instead. evil. we quickly decide what to watch and where to go. have not seen this cousin for quite sometime and we took the opportunity to update each other.

i was dealt a very pleasant and much anticipated surprise before i entered the cinema. i met nazrul! my long-lost sec sch classmate. have been hoping and thinking how to get his contact number because truly, i really miss him. and so i met him and we chatted like old times and he keep on remarking how thin i've become. duh. why people always tell me that when i meet them after i've not met them for some time?

i still remembered my first time in sec 1. i was trying to change sec sch, hence i was still in my pri sch attire. i stood quietly behind and this nazrul made furtive glances and smiling at me. like a pair of young lovers trying to make contact for the first time. sheesh. of course that's the start of our friendship. how we have grown up.

i spent sunday staying home, doing my chores and bathing the cat. nothing eventful whatsoever.

monday, a day where everyone got wind of some news of cataclysmic proportion!

from someone's friendster 'about me',
"Cheerful, funny, crappy, irritating but trying to change that(he..he..) I tend to worry alot sometimes cos i m a gay. i love both guy n girls. i m desperate. to tell the truth i like a guy from my camp. he is a kind medic, who always help me. i really appreciate it. i think he should know who is he. "

con't, from 'Who i want to meet',
"Nice, caring, honesty,fun loving, understanding and tolerant( i'm irritating ma! ) and definitely someone who enjoys my company any gay or lesbian. but now i only like tat medic.No 1 else pls. thanks. i want to go steady wif him. "

they were actually speculating on who that medic is! and for some unknown reason, i was one of the two they have shortlisted. the other being the bitch himself of course. that sets me thinking on any occasion where i have actually helped that gay medic. i found none. so i am quite safe. quite proud of the bitch of course. maybe i will try to put both of their pictures. that will be wonderful!

of course he is flabbergasted. he tried to deny it of course. and brush it off. thats the nice him at work. and its of course the nice him who netted such a good catch!

spent quite some time to sms the diva also. i truly miss him but for some reason i dun look forward to meeting him. shall write about it in some future entry i guess.

to cap off with a quote i came across,
"If you have a bird for a long time and if you let it fly free, if it returns you own it and it owns you. If it never returns, you never really owned it to begin with."

angst

many conflicting versions of this particular entry went thru my head before i finally slept yesterday. woke up today and decided not to pen an entry before the bitch insisted i wrote something. its his chicken soup for the soul.

so here goes.

Thanks be to Him for having not forsaken me yet. as i've said before, its funny how humans only turn to Him when they are in the dumps.

Thanks be to him for 'entertaining' me when i 'pour' out my woes though he was in d midst of a dinner with his beloved aunt. thanks dude. owe u one (i think)

i always find fault with people when i am not in my happy and tolerant mood.

if u appreciate someone, do u only tell the person when the person initiate the contact/conversation with u? or u take the first step and at least ask the person how's he/she doing?

too sensitive.

too demanding.

my fault? i plead guilty.

am waiting for my colleague to buy me something from ya kun kaya toast. heard a lot about their toast so i want to see what is the big deal about it.

and today is the finale of the american idol! absolutely cant wait. am rooting for fantasia barrino of course. in my opinion, she is a performer while de garmo is a singer and i will opt for the performer!

i promised a 'nice picture', so here it is. an 'aspiring' guards officer he is. a total bitch. the bitch.



and below is the current object he is totally crazy about. i must admit i would get it had i the money or about to inherit a million dollars from some unknown relatives.



here is to his success in talking his mum into buying it for him!

read erlyna's brother's blog. am quite impressed with his blog. because of the sheer fact that he is just 13 years old.

and allow me to cut and paste a poem from his site which mirrors abit on sth else.

"...
We were buddies, but not bosom.
We were friends, but not close.
We were classmates, nothing more.

We stood guard at the foot,
The foot of a great mountain.
The mountain to success.
We stared, we glared,
At each other.
Were we fated to wait at this foot,
Enviously peering at those descending.
Shouting at those speeding down.
Or were we to ascend, to success?

You I insulted and hurt.
I you hated, despised and loathed.
Will the bridge between us heal,
Or will we forever stare,
At each other,
From different sides of a river.

..."

i like to cut and paste and quote and relate things which touched me on differing notes.

few days back, while doing my prayers i thought of this verse. well, normal for humans, they always thing about stuffs, be it relevant or irrelevant when they are doing their prayers. so anyway,

"Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of Allah. for without doubt in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find satisfaction"
(arRa'd:28)

a simple doa,

Ya Allah, ampunilah dosaku,
ampunilah dosa kedua ibu bapaku,
ampunilah dosa kaum kerabatku.
Ya Allah ya tuhanku,
tenangkanlah jiwaku,
tabahkanlah hatiku.
Ya Allah ya tuhanku,
lindungilah keluargaku dari malapetaka,
lindungilah keluargaku dari azab bencana dunia dan akhirat ya Allah.
hindarilah keluargaku dari beban hutang dan kemiskinan.
Ya Allah,
murahkanlah rezekiku,
murahkanlah rahmat dan nikmat ke atas ku ya Allah.
Perelokkanlah budi pekertiku ya Allah.
Kayakanlah aku dengan ilmu ya Allah.
Tetapkanlah aku di atas landasan mu yang lurus ya Allah.
Matikanlah aku sebagai muslim dan mukmin ya Allah
Hanya kepada engkaulah kami meminta.

i have a blardy 'garang' MO for a boss!

he told us yesterday he will conduct 6km fast march today. and he didn come in the morning cos he is sick. we were hoping fervently that he wont come in the afternoon. but he did. then we were praying for rain, but it didnt. so we were resigned to our fate.

we went to draw arms. he said sth like this, "i have an idea, we will do 6km fast march followed by 4km run in just slacks and boot." how easy he put it! as if we will actually jump on his idea and have the greatest fun ever in our life! i gaped when i heard his idea but i recovered fast. the bitch's face changed totally and he was resigned to his fate too.

so we marched. and i tried to bitch with the bitch but he totally have not the stamina for my antics. i then made corny jokes with the 'DYS2 of 1 CDO'. dear TTLim of cos.

after the march, that doctor was obviously shagged cos he used the excuse that its going to rain to shave the 4km run by half. all the better. so we ran and we finished it.

the pt session left me without an appetite to take my dinner.

and i cant concentrate right now with TT marvelling at my skill of typing away without looking at the keyboard. couple that with both gin shi and TT making stupid remarks.

i shall post a nice picture in a future entry.

ooops i forgot, the 'DYS3 of 1 GDS' actually took out a tissue paper to wipe out his sweat during a tactical break.

how garang can an aspiring GDS officer be?

a day without coffee

i totally didn drink coffee today. sad. was stucked at the registration counter for the whole damn morning because everybody either disappeared or did their own things. even the person who are by right supposed to be at the counter. anyways, i didn drink any coffee!

another impromtu idea cropped up. i suggested to the bitch to go to the zoo on his birthday. he was so happy when i suggested that. nice right? to celebrate one's birthday at the zoo in the company of one's LOVED ones!

truthfully, i wanted to bring my lil bro to somewhere anyway. some educational thingy plus pure fun. was contemplating of shrek2 and harry potter3 but decided against it for several reasons. he cant stand a cinema theatre's temperature and i hate to go to the toilet in the midst of watching a good movie. harry potter 3 is much darker than the 2 previous instalments and i doubt my brother will be able to enjoy the show. so i will go with my sister instead (i think).

i have no idea whether the zoo trip will materialise and shant put too much energy in organising it. i am past that organiser phase in my life. and like i've written before, i shall not be the initiator every time.

when i heard from our 2ic in the morning that he and the bitch are the duty medics for the day, i know for sure that i will be the stand-in at night when the bitch goes for his classes. and true enough, he asked me whether i can stand-in. i suspect he knew that i will. i didnt tell him of the instantaneous flash of thought i had earlier.

no point.

managed to catch the cooking show, "Yok Buat Roti" by chef wan on Suria just now. i just love to watch cooking shows and try out the recipes when i have the mood and the time to indulge myself in. i never know that pizza is one simple food to make on your own. then again, things may look simple but the truth is, its simple only after umpteenth tries.

the prob is, nobody in my house likes to cook. my mum will only cook the usual fare and will only try new recipes when she have the mood which is very rare. i flipped the cookbooks at home with one of my sister and told her to choose any recipe she thinks is nice. she will cook it and i will buy the ingredients. she just remarked nonchalantly "malas aku. nak buat apa?"

whats the deal with girls today. they are getting lazier!

watching chef wan reminded me of the diva. i dunno whether its the face or the way chef wan and the diva carried themselves. anyway i missed the diva.

so i messaged him though i previously wrote that i am putting a stop on the frequent sms-es. asked him whether he missed me, and he replied no and he shot me back the question, and i replied yes. corny. he asked me what have been bugging me (he read my blog i think) and i replied curtly after 2 attempts by him that i will tell when i wanna tell. of course i put a smiley face in the sms-es.

sometimes, someone do not really need friends to keep bugging and insisting to know what is the problem the person is facing. there are many ways to show the person that u care and are always around for him. simple stuffs and deeds by the friend can go a long mile in putting a smile on the person's face. all u need to do is just be there. and most importantly, be there when he is ready to pour his heart out. thats the difficult part. being there that is.

i finished the 'Da Vinci Code'. its a very good thriller. it basically detailed the fallacy and the lies of christianity which has been espoused by the early Christian church till now. it was breathtaking to know that Constantin under pressure from the growing influence of the 'true' christian religion during the 300AD years actually merged the pagan religion of that time with christianity and thus totally pollute the true teachings of the prophet.

in the book, dan brown detailed briefly how the Priory of Sion and its Grand Masters notably Leonardo Da Vinci, insert codes and symbols to disseminate the true teachings (according to them that is). i wasnt that interested in the true message according to da vinci which is the exaltation of the Sacred Feminine. i was more interested in the historical fact that the bible and the message was polluted by the early church which was founded by a politically shrewd roman emperor by the name of Constantin.

breathtaking is the word.

went to the gym alone. only managed to do 2 full cycles of gym work and do a bit of rojak for the 3rd cycle. was just damn lazy. but i knew i had to go to the gym

am now waiting for friends. i think the season finale will be the best season yet. cant wait for today's episode!

after abt an hr of blog-hopping, i still have no idea how to start writing this entry. my english teacher once said that my style of writing is free-flow, i will just start with a sentence and before i know it, i will have an essay. bleargh, so i shall just start.

hmmmmmmm

did another cover for the battalion's vertical marathon. its boring. basically, its a race in climbing 22 storey worth of stairs in the shortest possible time. the fastest time was 2.59mins i think. my CO did it in 3.10mins. the nice thing is when he said, after he caught his breath that is, "too bad my bcs is on duty, if not HQ can win eh?" that was like, oh so nice and ego boosting compliment from him! and another nice point is, he remembered my partner's and my name without looking at our name tag! imagine the CO of a 500-odd unit remembering our names!

several things of the same nature happened yesterday and today. usually, i would have sulked and show my unhappy, frowning and the-world-owe-me kind of face. in fact, when the first incident happened, i nearly did that. somehow, i didn though i almost did. something in me snapped, "its so trivial! why bother? be happy!" so i just brushed it off.

i remembered one of the bitch's phrase, "jealousy, the evil partake of conflicting emotions". and i must admit, jealousy is one very bad and energy-consuming emotion ever. people change. people find new objects of interest. move on.

after the cover, i went straight to my granny's house. she has been persistent in telling me to visit her yesterday. all day long she told my uncle and aunt to contact me to ensure that i will go to her house. i know for sure that she wanted to talk to me about something. that troubling news that i briefly touched about in a previous entry.

so i reached her place at abt 9pm, fully prepared. and as usual, when i am at her place, i will feel like a prince! she made me coffee without me asking. she accompanied me while i ate and made small talk. all the while, i was bracing myself for what i thought will be a stressful event! but she is a subtle psychologist. after the meal and the coffee, when she had lulled me into a state of relaxation, she said,
"mari sini kejap, nenek nak cakap.." (come here for awhile, i wanna say something)

and she touched on that issue. i just listened. she was sympathetic and she empathised and she said there is nothing much she can do which i totally understand. so we talked and i mostly listened. and she always give me little tips and advices on how to handle the issue at large some of which i have already incorporated into my life. its not easy, but i saw the wisdom in it.

i told her of my grand scheme and she 'endorsed' it.

she is one of the few people in my life i can share my absurd dreams and fears though i have not told her everything. i've hinted on some things and she got the point. she countered with some anecdotes on her own life. if i ever plan to do something serious, her approval is important. she is after all the matriarch and whenever shit happens to any ventures, be it mine or her children's she will get wind of it and the party concerned will get an earful. i will never make that mistake.

somehow, we touched on the topic of investment. sth off tangent to what we have been talking about. my caffeine-induced brain formulated an impromtu crazy yet workable idea. i told her about it and she listened. she being the cautious old lady that she is actually listened and gave some thought to it. and i dare say, she was quite agreeable to it!

need to do some research though.

i haven been as close to the diva as usual. we exchanged less than 10 messages for the past 6 days. i dunno whether its self-imposed or he has been busy with his own life. i hope its the latter and i wish him all the best.

the same thing with razif.

i have no idea why people actually think we are that close in the first place. one or two long chats on the phone doesnt equate closeness.

i haven been initianting the sms-ing with regard to the two guys. putting a stop to it rather. i cant be possibly the one to initiate it all the time can i? it would seem as if i cant do without them.

trying to do the same to the bitch and i succeeded to a certain degree. he is just a tantalising target to bitch with and just have fun.

i watched My Best Friend's Wedding again on tv just now. a rather slow movie which i liked alot. sigh.

she still have not responded to my email, sms, and calls.

sometimes, u just have to listen to ur cautious, cowardly voice talking. taking risk is just not worth it.

c'est la vie.

jaded.

have no idea where to start.

today is a tiring day. had to teach 2 platoons including their commanders on how to do IV (intravenous injection). its quite fun to play the role of mentor/teacher. i enjoyed doing it only to feel really tired right now.

i dread the thought of covering (providing safety cover) for the vertical marathon at CMPB tomorrow. it will only start at about 3pm and ends at 6.30pm! granted that i have no plans tomorrow, the idea of spending my saturday afternoon and early evening doing safety cover is totally demoralising!

just when i was searching for ideas on how to carry on this entry, the bitch msg-ed me. i thought it must be some important stuffs, but i was totally wrong. he dealed me the most lethal blow yet. cos after he told me what was on his mind, i was totally stumped, bewildered, flabbergasted, floored and speechless! he was actually at the car models shop at suntec shopping for a diecast and enquiring for his birthday gift at the same time. and since the object of his desire is out of stock, he was quick to suggest BMW 5 series instead.

the audacity of him.

how bold can one gets when one is so sure of being loved?

i will definitely get what he wanted for his birthday for two reasons, because he wanted it and partly because i think i've promised him earlier on. that guy is the limits.

have been looking for new flats at the jurong area. but i discovered thru the hdb web, what mum wanted is totally booked. so i took the liberty of looking for what i wanted instead. and i did a rough calculation of what it will cost. i must say its quite astounding. but i am quite sure we can manage. have to wait what mum say. she is the more prudent one anyway.

instead of running away and wallowing in self misery, i think its better just to engage the problems head on (duh). i never prioritise it seems. really need to take out some paper and pen and jot it down and chart it out with my mum. i can almost visualise her opposition yet i think i can prevail.

if i do what i think i will be doing, i would have set some grand scheme in motion. its a grand scheme because of the sheer fact that i am 23. originally, i wanted to wait for some things to fall in place and make compromises before i chart the whole big picture. but *shrugs*

was thinking of the chapter 73 of the Quran, alMuzzammil.

20. Thy Lord doth know that thou standest forth (to prayer) nigh two-thirds of the night,
or half the night,
or a third of the night,
and so doth a party of those with thee.
But Allah doth appoint night and day in due measure
He knoweth that ye are unable to keep count thereof.
So He hath turned to you (in mercy):
read ye, therefore,
of the Qur'an as much as may be easy for you.
He knoweth that there may be (some) among you
in ill-health;
others travelling through the land,
seeking of Allah.s bounty;
yet others fighting in Allah.s Cause,
read ye, therefore,
as much of the Qur'an as may be easy (for you);
and establish regular Prayer
and give regular Charity;
and loan to Allah a Beautiful Loan.
And whatever good ye send forth for your souls
ye shall find it in Allah.s Presence,-
yea, better
and greater,
in Reward
and seek ye the Grace of Allah.
for Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

scene; Medical Centre, 1700+hr

him : (coming out of the MO room and while looking at the He-Man cartoon and smirking) That's u ah?
me : I AM him!
him : Then, i what? Skeletor ah?
me : No. u can be thundercats!
him : (with a smug glint on his eyes) u want to ride on me right!

he is actually clueless about thundercats!



i just cant believe it myself sometimes. how such a normal joke can be so sexually and literally misunderstood. truth be told, we at the very least induce a smile on each other's face.

yeah, what will i do when he is gone. will savour it while it last.

i finally got a website to get those music links from ladymenot's blog. have no idea what song to put on. till i found Everytime by britney spears that is. how fitting! *grins*

assail, beset, perplexing, besieged.

"Being occupied with somethings that doesnt relate to your current state of mind means escaping from reality. Face it. Not run away. How far and fast can u?"

from him.

received news of something more disturbing. it sort of threw me off balance.

i sat for awhile, i composed myself and i decided to take a shower. i bought palmolive aromatherapy anti-stress shower gel yesterday, and i used it. lavendar is nice i think.

i didnt sms him which i would have done in normal circumstances. he wont be able to help anyway. and whatever HAMKA said, i just dun feel like telling other people the true nature of this particular problem.

i then did my maghrib prayers. after which i read surah alMuzzammil. just decided to read it. how pathetic humans are to turn to Him when everything else fail.

it sort of calm me down awhile.

then again, i AM in actual fact running away from my ghosts.

but what am i supposed to do?!

i need to realign my priorities again.

things which i seem to want and held in high priority doesnt seem that important anymore.

help me Lord.

conflicting emotions

nearly a week since this space has been updated.

did an outfield cover for the GCC (Guards Conversion Course). it started at Lim Chu Kang before we went to Tekong. this kind of outfield events are becoming more like camping trips to me. nothing eventful happened except the usual injuries and heat exhaustion cases. those people really cannot make it! commanders they are, but they do not behave like it. well, they cant sleep for at least 48 hours but i think i behave like a cat over there. i eat and sleep, eat, prowl for stuffs then i sleep again, i eat and prowl for my stuffs and stay awake for my overnight duties and then i sleep again. i did experience something nice over there and that was to marshall some chinooks down. a worthwhile experience!

came back on friday and was darn eager to check my email and blog. she changed the sunday 'outing' to saturday. ok fine. i called her, no reply. and i did that hourly. still no reply. called her house at about 10pm, in the middle of Pesta Perdana, her sister said she wasnt at home. a few mins later she sms-ed back saying that she didn bring her hp to work. ok fine, i replied, call me when u're free. she didn. no matter.

i continued that routine in the morning before giving up at 10am. not gonna spoil my weekend for anybody at all. so i contemplated and decided to sms dear waimeng. my sec sch buddy cum best friend. he was actually happy to receive my sms and agreed readily to my date. how i've neglected people who matters and at least reciprocates.

so we agreed to watch troy. just the two of us, minus the usual gang. haven done that for a long time. he fetched me and we bought the tickets at lido after discovering that cineleisure was totally crowded. went to play pool at far east shopping centre (or was it plaza) and i was resoundingly beaten. 3-2. but i seek solace in the fact that i won a game because of pure skill and likewise for him. a challenge and a promise was agreed upon to have another such event. and i am confident of my chances.

we went to eat at erm, puncak i think, or was it cahaya. we ordered our food. ended up we exchanged it because he totally cant take hot stuff. we talked abit over dinner and boy it was quite a role reversal. he updated me about his ventures and invited me along. he was contemplating future endeavours and extended an invitation to join him. i remembered during secondary sch days where i was the one who usually did that. but this time i listened but i didn commit. i have grown up i guess.

we then went to starbucks. a routine every week now it seemed. or rather, every time i go to town for a movie. and we talked. i know then i made the right decision in asking him out. he was talkative, he talked alot of cock and he wasnt that shy. something which i wont get out of him had i gone out with the usual gang. it was like a fact baring session. relationship puzzles and riddles which were left unravelled during our sch days were answered :) and he told me about how he chased our mutual friend during poly days. cool.

me being the honest one, admitted to him why i asked him out in the first place. and i ended up updating him about myself. he told me to backoff for awhile like how he did. in any case, going out with him managed to take my mind off things and i totally enjoyed saturday. he was my best friend during my teenage years. and how i have erred.

i shant write about troy though i must say its a short movie. a ten year event being squeezed into 2.5hrs? isnt that short!? in any case, many poignant scenes. a good movie.

the diva was somewhere else with somebody else.

we chatted after both of us returned from town. somehow or rather i gave him a frosty, heck care attitude. a very cold bitch demeanour i adopted. initially, he asked whether i was jealous. i was utterly flabbergasted. why on earth should i be jealous? he is confused in one of his problems that he is facing now. i tried to help but as usual i dun even think what i said was registered in his brain. after that i just dun bother. he was agitated and irritated by my attitude, but at that point of time, i just dun give a damn. and i wonder whether we are really buddies.

again, me being the soft person, apologised after the chat. thru sms that is. what a weak person i am.

i always go by this mantra, think before u speak and never promise or speak something which u are not utterly confident of doing.

i didn stay true to that mantra in one of my sms.

sometimes i think that friends are there for a purpose. and that purpose is solely to fill the void that person's life for that particular moment. when something, be it an activity, an event, a person etc comes along to captivate the person's attention, the friend/s are cast aside in favour of the new 'plaything'. when there is a void again in that person's life, the person will again seek the friend to fill the void. the vicious cycle continues. adopting the higher moral ground, i will stick to what my ustaz (religious teacher) said, friends are solely for two reasons; for u to advice ur friend and for ur friend to advice u.

i started the morning by watching The Last Samurai! got the vcd together with the bestseller 'Da Vinci Code' at borders the day before. my mum wanted to watch it so i got it. the show never failed to enthrall me. i still feel the emotions i felt when i first watch it. a very good movie. very poignant. very heart-wrenching.

accompanied jian to the diva's housewarming. didnt want to go in the first place had it not for jian. i ended up keeping jian company all the way. i wondered why he even bother to invite jian.

i told my sister to get the book, "Tenggelamnya kapal van der wijck" by Hamka on saturday. and she got it from the library! its actually a love novel. to read a love novel from a very renowned cleric and muslim philosopher is a change i think. i am in the midst of reading it. already i have picked up very interesting stuffs from it. shall paste it here together with some stuffs from the novel, 'Tanah Andriyana'

from "Tenggelamnya......" i felt very sad. the two protagonist, though they are from a very strict society full of traditions and strict social norms, they at least can give some life to their love story. at least both hands are clapping. i have yet to finish the book.

some excerpts from the book,

"... memang sudah biasa kegembiraan dapat ditelan sendiri-sendiri dan kemalangan menjadi kurang bila dikatakan kepada orang lain...."

"... orang yang sedang dimabuk cinta penuh hatinya dengan cemburu. Kadang-kadang cinta bersifat tamak dan loba, kadang-kadang was-was dan kadang-kadang putus asa...."

"...Seorang memburu cinta adalah laksana memburu kijang di rimba belantara. bertambah diburu, bertambah jauh dia lari. Akhirnya tersesat dalam rimba tak mampu pulang lagi..."





from 'Tanah Andriyana',

i came across this idiom, "Umpama pungguk rindukan bulan". i felt that way. in any case, some nice pantun.

Apa diharap buah pauh,
Entah masam entahkan tidak,
Entah dimakan burung merpati,
Apa diharap orang yang jauh,
Entahkan ingat entahkan tidak,
Entah sudah mencari ganti.

Apa guna pasir setambun,
Kalau tidak kasih setahun
Apa guna kasih setahun,
Kalau tidak seumur hidup

Apa khabar nasi di daun,
Nasi di talam bagai nak basi
Apa khabar tinggal setahun?
Tinggal semalam bagai nak mati.



i am tired. do i have the stamina? it takes two hands to clap and make a sound. obviously i am of a lesser priority. there are other things which demand more attention. a very simple act of reciprocal cant be mustered so yeah, i am of a lesser priority. should i continue? maybe i shouldn. but that is giving up. should i then give up?

i expect to have some 'nice' comments. i dun really care anymore. i have kicked the ball and i discovered that the field is empty. or was my sight shaded by some unknown forces to see that there is another player to pass the ball to me?

an insight to 2 guys bitching..

here is an excerpt of it..

him : come to think of it...we were smiling at each other...but i know u are smiling t something which is about me...
me : of course, because when i entered the car park area, i know for a fact that u are calling towards me.. u just misses me.. i felt it lor.. i entered the medical ctr, u were glowing.. aww i just radiate ur life..
him : lets just trry to be diplomatic...u are good because u rested enough on the sundays...u didnt bitch on sundays thats why u are good...but dont ever forget that its my day today.....
me : ur DAY which apparently can be liken to a day where missiles rain upon ur head and u traversing on a mine-filled land.. ur day indeed.. and dun ever hide behind the cloak of diplomacy or bitching rested days or whatnot because the fact is, u absolutely adores me.. why? because i say so and u know it.. live with it will u? boy! ur baby is on top form today.
him : Arent u enjoying every bit and momment of this? U typing furiously on the keyboard...u enjoy this right? and yah..i must admit i am slow today but the fact is that i can rebutt you is good enough...and dont u just love it when i called u baby? ahhhh....yah yah..from thge look on your face shows that my statment is not powerful enough for you to rebutt... oohhh....
me : to cap it off..you love me..
him : oh please...look at my statments before you make any comments...did i in anyway say i love u?
me : this is powerful? u have never, ever said it.. why? cos u are an egotistic prick... but like a phrase i showed u, love is not solely saying 'i love u'... u showed it.. u exude the emotion, u give out the glow.. what else can i ask for? u are weak today.. u know it for urself.. so lets just go bathe the cat.. cos apparently, u just love doing things with ur loved ones... dun bother lah.. lets go.. whatever u feel, i may feel also.. ok? end..
and of course, the tide has turned.. tuesday is no longer ur day.. i attack when i want to? havent u ever realised that?

whats the medium of this exchange?
a wordpad on the same computer
the place?
medical centre, sitting side by side
the mode?
he typed using black colour font, i replied with a red colour one

and he gives up..

booked out in the morning.. sufian, my colleague sent me to yishun MRT with his car..

thank god i reached home at about 9.15 with ample time to watch one of my fave show, Seventh Heaven.. :) the third child of the Camden family got married in that episode..

after that, i made my fave breakfast, jemput-jemput bawang.. yeah i made it myself.. usually, i will just order my sisters to do it.. its a very simple snack.. u only need flour, salt, egg, onion and water.. very simple..

then back to watching another fave show, My Fair Princess.. yeah i have a very eurgh list of fave shows.. sue me..

the diva sms-ed me about our supposed meeting.. decided not to catch a movie after all.. so we just drink coffee and do some window shopping..

i tagged along when he entered Life Bookshop.. a christian evangelism shop.. on normal occasion, i wont enter such shops.. but i did anyway yesterday.. so he was browsing and i was also browsing albeit for different reasons..

some of the books that caught my attention, "I am disappointed in God", "Where are you when i need u Jesus".. there is also the current bestseller title "The Purpose Driven Life : What am i here for?".. there are also books which gives daily anecdotes, quotes, verses from the bible for daily motivational purpose.. and there are biblical journals for the women, teens etc etc..

it occured to me, why didn i see such similar themed books when i go to Muslimedia at Wisma Indah.. or Toko Wijaya at Joo Chiat.. the muslim publications are sorely lacking in this aspect.. there are too many books harping on the supernatural, on the fundamentals such as prayers, ablution.. abt salafis against ahl-bida' etc.. but not that many on emotional fulfilment in a stress-filled environment..

of course its very important for books to explain the Quran and Sunnah be made widely available.. its equally important for books on prayers and the fundamentals be equally accessible.. but the reality of the day is there is a high demand for psychologists and psychiatrists and sociologists and etc etc.. they also need a 100-200 pages kind of books to motivate them in their daily life.. and that is sorely lacking..

its totally unfair if i were to say there are no such books at all.. esteemed honest writers such as Pak Hamka, Ibn Qayyim have written treatises to explain such motivational, self-help books but how many will read it? I am not saying that their books are out of sync with modern people like me.. its just that the way their wisdom are being presented right now is a kin to a layman trying to read a law journal..

out of the blue on saturday, my aunt sms-ed me asking me where was i.. i have no inkling of the number which appeared on my hp screen.. so i replied, "in camp.. who is that lovely person over there?".. and she identified herself.. was quite embarrassed but i recovered well.. to think i was actually trying to flirt with my aunt! its nice to start this 'relationship' going though.. the sms-ing.. i almost never sms my relatives.. :)

on sunday night, out of boredom, i decided to sms my elder cousin.. she is 2 years older and among the very few cousins i am very close with.. even so, i almost never sms her or go out with her.. so we exchanged messages and we joked and we update each other.. somehow, she managed to extract a sponsorship out of me.. she's gonna get married in about 2 yrs time.. so me being the nice guy promised her to sponsor her invitation cards.. a classy one at that..

its nice to be starting this messaging thing.. i felt as if i have done something good which i should have done a long time ago.. they are my cousins after all.. and i shouldn limit myself to just meeting them during hari raya, or family outings or weddings.. so yeah, we gonna meet for coffee soon.. and just catch up and hangout.. and hopefully i can get to know my future cousin in law..

i go home only on the weekends nowadays.. partly because i want to save on transport.. partly because i don't want to deal with the family problems.. its very selfish of me.. i realised that when my mum start talking about events week past and major things which is bugging her.. she teared.. i knew then that its too much stress for her to handle alone.. she is a strong woman.. she seldom show her sadness.. but i am only 22 years old.. an NSF at that.. some of the problems are beyond me.. some of the problems are too much for me to shoulder.. so i just listened.. thats what i do best anyway..

i cant provide her immediate relief except to provide a listening ear.. but i lay out my rough plans for the future.. just rough plans.. there are so many variables which i have to ascertain and verify.. and there are dreams which i have just to think of a way to synchronise it with my responsibility.. i cant shirk it.. i cant run away from it.. i am just not a normal 22 yr old guy who can just slack and do whatever they like..

i was stressed.. and normally, i would just tune in to islamway and listen to the quranic recitals.. but since i cant use the pc, i read the tafsir (explanation of the quran).. it was just a random read.. i pluck out a volume from my shelf and just flipped to surah alGhasyiyah..

then i came across this verses,
"So remind them, you are only one who reminds. You are not a dictator among them" (alGhasyiyah 21,22)

after reading the tafsir of that chapter and reading al A'la and also alFajr, i pluck out a volume of tafsir pak Hamka.. again i flipped at random and turned to the tafsir of the 62nd verse..

002.062 Lo! Those who believe (in that which is revealed unto thee, Muhammad), and those who are Jews, and Christians, and Sabaeans - whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.

Pak Hamka concluded that the verse harps on religious tolerance.. there are 4 groups, the believers (who embraced islam), the jews, the christians, and the shabiin.. as long as they believe that there is 1 God and in Judgement day, they are one and the same.. and they should be treated with absolute kindness and respect..

of course the polemics are different now and then.. but the underlying message remains..

Pak hamka stressed his grief and anger about the state of religious relations currently.. about how christian evangelists trying their darndest best to attack the muslim faith and about how muslim zealots trying all in their power to hurt the other party..

one recent incident came to mind.. a british cleric declaring that he makes no distinction.. its either u are believers or non-believers.. and the blood of non believers are absolutely OK to be taken..

that is misguided zealotry at its best..

there is a famous example set by the prophet when he is alive in a narration (hadis).. on how after he has slaughtered a goat (or is it sth else?) and he hurriedly send a portion of it to his Jew neighbour whilst that neighbour absolutely detest the prophet..

nobody refuted this hadis.. and to think this so called cleric actually declare such principle? of course there are provisions in the Quran to war on the non-believers.. and Jihad is ABSOLUTELY legal in islamic jurisprudence albeit within the right conditions and framework..

such is the state of humans nowadays.. we forgot our role on this earth.. we forgot who our creator is.. and we are slowly and surely embracing all the attributed of the past tribes/people.. the same attributes which caused those people to be destroyed by God..

i have been reading love novels for the past few weekends.. my most recent one is "Tanah Andriyana".. a little bit halfway through.. very nice.. the nicest so far.. the book is about how the love affair of 3-4 generations past harms the love relationship of their great grandchildren.. nice.. i like!

i miss her..

she is a variable..

cold

i just cant spend the whole day in an air-conditioned room.. slept at the med ctr cos of the duty and my lips is SO dry.. tsk

the diva called yesterday telling me that he will be watching van helsing with his frends after their Armour Day.. he was like asking me whether i wanted to watch that show today and in a dilemma.. his friends wanted to watch it.. me going to watch it.. so i told him to watch with his friends.. wasnt feeling the least bit sore or angry because of it.. and he was like, "wah.. u have been so nice these past few days ah..." bleargh.. what do u expect me to do? should i say, "eh dont watch with them lah! i told u i want to watch it what..".. that smirks of so much raw jealousy.. tsk.. i dun really mind actually.. serious!

so that leaves me with a basically unplanned sunday..

bathe vin, shop for his food, go granny's house, laundry.. hmm what else?

the bitch was moody yesterday... he is tired i guess.. and sore and angry about what happened.. i dunno how to make him feel better.. i think he sorely needs the trip.. poor guy..

been looking at wedding photos the whole of yesterday..

dunno what's wrong with me..

then again, whats wrong with me looking at wedding stuffs?

and the bitch asked, why malays like purple when i showed him some of the wedding photos..

ahhh.. a duty day on saturday is downright boring.. and the hindi show on TV3 at 2pm just now was also downright boring! bleargh..

so i blog hopped..

what do i get from it?

nice phrases, nice words, nice philosophy, nice wedding photos (=p), nice supplications.. etc etc.. some of which i will be posting here...

i gotta watch Judging Amy today too.. its a nice show.. some might think its mushy or crap.. whatever..

Judging Amy revolves around the lives of Amy's family... Amy, a divorcee with a daughter is a judge, her widowed mum, Maxine, is a respected social worker, i have no idea what her elder brother and sister-in-law work as, her younger brother is a journalist.. then there is the black male personal assistant and the eccentric funny assistant, donna..

anyway, today's episode was about the death of Maxine's boyfriend, Jared Duff.. so sad.. at the end of the show, Maxine was holding sort of a remembrance occasion for Jared and she explained why she did it.. maxine said, each of us affect and influence the way we live our lives..

poignant..

i got an email from her.. she told me to read it carefully.. i read at least 4 times and all i can conclude is this word, AMBIGUITY!

part of the email,

".............

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to ! say.Don't be
afraid to tell someone you love them.

If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break
theirs.

Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of
losing what you already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you
least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that
other person was too afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too
much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at
all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of
rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we
don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found
out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
........................."

from blog hopping, i came across this doa (supplication).. nice!

YA ALLAH
Seandainya telah Engkau catatkan
Dia milikku tercipta buatku
Satukanlah hatinya dgn hatiku
Titipkanlah kebahagiaan antara kami
Agar kemesraan itu abadi

Dan YA ALLAH...YA TUHANKU YANG MAHA MENGASIHI
Seiringkanlah kami melayari hidup ini
Ketepian yang sejahtera dan abadi

Tetapi YA ALLAH
Seandainya telah Engkau takdirkan
dia bukan milikku
Bawalah dia jauh dari pandanganku
Luputkanlah dia dari ingatanku
Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan

Serta YA ALLAH YA TUHANKU YANG MAHA MENGERTI
Berikanlah aku kekuatan
Melontar bayangannya jauh ke dada langit
Hilang bersama senja nan merah
Agarku bisa bahagia
Walaupun tanpa bersama dengannya

Dan YA ALLAH YANG TERCINTA
Gantilah yang telah hilang
Tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah
Walaupun tidak sama dengan dirinya

hmmmm
there are other things i wanted to write about..
he is frowning.. he looked sad.. i think i should go talk to him...

will update later...

duty today...

a full day of slacking.. mind still tired and sleepy..

gonna just cut and paste some stuffs which i found to be poignant and meaningful.. found from blog-hopping that is..

from a friend's blog,
"...Well, people come and go in your life i guess...U don't expect them to be there all your life, but what's impt is that they've left a mark in ur memory, maybe someday i'll get to repay the debtness of care they've shown me as a friend... I've enjoyed their company...and i really hope they enjoyed mine... We've all grown up now... Few years ago we'd spend our days studying together in the school library, or play soccer, or have lunch... Now every one of them looked so mature and one by one i hope i'll be able to see them settling down soon... My prayer to you guys k...
..."

go to www.lyricsdomain.com

the reason by hoobastank

and my immortal.. vincent used to say that the lyrics to that song is very meaningful.. the problem with me is i seldom listen to lyrics.. yeah.. i listen to the song but not the lyrics.. go figure.. and after procrastinating for months, i finally read the lyrics.. and yeah.. nice.. after just one reading that is..

will update more later.. i am sleepy at 10am..

tired

sleepy

am blog-hopping right now..

am having a sudden fetish for those cute bears holding a very red heart.. i absolutely forgot what the name of those bears..

am starting preparation for the end of the year marathon albeit just finding out when exactly its gonna be held.. the diva has actually started running 10 km everyday.. crazy fella!

am not gonna having much life for the next two weeks.. duty medic this saturday, outfield cover from next tuesday to friday.. the bitch flying off to hongkong and bangkok next week too..

no movies this weekend too i guess..

then again, i may just ask my sec sch friends out.. siow wei maybe.. or just go for a movie marathon with the diva..

i have the feeling that i will get some wedding invitations pretty soon.. from my friends no less.. already some of my school mates have gotten married..

me too sensitive?

today was spent mostly talking..

bitching and talking...

one thing for sure, the bitch and i can never be civil for that long.. every statement that either one of us made will be scrutinised, analysed and disected for the sole purpose of turning it into a nuclear tipped missile to be shot at the peril of the other person.. wicked..

but of course, today being monday, is absolutely vincent's day..

its a marathon.. finishing strongly at the end of the race is better.. and so far, i am better at that.. =p

spent lunchtime talking with vincent.. at least, we tried to talk..

him asking what i will do after ord..

me asking him what keeps him going?
he answered, 'hope'
i told him for me its to help people.. and i relate it to how my dream job should be.. and 'to help' keeps me going..

razif asked whether i have the SAF issued black torch.. i cant remember but i promised to source for him..

i passed it to him after his first shift prowling... i actually wanted to just go back to the med ctr and do some reading and update this blog.. but it so happens he wanted to chat first.. i am such a nice person.. =p

so we chatted.. and as usual its always nice to chat with him.. i am more involved this time for the sheer reason that i know him better.. previously, i would have just listen and keep my mouth shut because i do not know what will ignite his fuse and what can be digested properly to him..

so i related to him some interested anecdotes and pepper my so called counselling session with well-meaning and thought provoking quotes and maxims.. well, some of it did set him to think..

i asked him the question i asked vincent earlier on,
"what keeps u going?"
and he answered after sometime, his mum..

such a sweet guy..

he told me the story about how one of his close friends were jealous about him spending time with his other friends (me and some others that is).. and he told me about the identity of that particular friend who was responsible for some of the 'mishap' in his life.. i am just amazed at how some people can talk things freely.. but it also goes to show that he is beginning to trust me.. not that i didn notice it previously..

it also reminded me of my previous statement in the last blog, that i have been neglectful of my old friends..

i told him that he should make time for different groups of his friends.. just because he know that group of friends, earnest efforts should still be undertaken to keep the friendships fresh and blossoming.. speak for myself..

in fact, there were a few advices that after i have uttered it, 3 words came to mind, "SPEAK FOR MYSELF"

bleargh..

last weekend, the bitch and i confessed to each other that we miss being in a relationship.. today, i've decided to actually follow razif's advice on this particular topic..

so much for equality for the genders.. bullshit..

play the game..

passive

i hate waiting

another point entry.. disjointed, i dun give a damn.

Quote of the day - "There is a name for people who gets edgy while watching Kill Bill2 and they are called NARFIRUS"

havent updated for almost a week.. dun feel like it.. dun feel the need to jot down sth..

the MO treated us to dinner on thursday because its his last week.. due to the weather, its just pizza and kfc delivered to the guardroom.. was more looking forward to a prata fest.. anyway, its enjoyable.. and good luck to him.. the MO that is..

the white guy was voted out finally.. thank god..

actually wrote quite a few points on paper just now on this particular entry.. but the desire is gone to type a full fledge entry..

watched dawn of the dead with ben on friday night.. another of those impromptu outing.. waited for 40 mins for him.. and i absolutely hated waiting.. was even contemplating of going home.. he profusely apologised.. i dun even think he meant it.. in any case, no matter how angry i was, i didn even scold him.. thats how passive i am..

watched kill bill2 on saturday..

siow wei called at about 3+pm on sat.. so we met up.. went for dinner.. treated her, or rather tricked her to an anatolia ice-cream cone.. she treated us to McCafe.. quite nice.. the chance of meeting her i mean.. it has been like 4-5 years since i last met her.. she is still the same old siow wei..

i have been neglecting old friends for new friends.. bad thing.. very bad..

i absolutely hated waiting..

stick to ur principles no matter how great the external influences are for u to waver.. should u?

not easy..