ahh. talked with the Diva of the BULLSHIT. i think she loves the tag i gave her.

she drilled some sense into me.

enough said.

sigh. where am i going to find that resolve?

just got back from duty. actually went home like at 6am.. after my 'sahur'. i dun really care that i left my dear partner to wait for the incoming duty personnels. just need to go home.

was hoping to find the Diva of Bullshit, but she isn't online on MSN. but well, i am sure i can catch hold of her within a few hrs. her advice are sorely needed. yeah ironic. me, asking for some serious opinions from the DIVA OF BULLSHIT!

sigh. i am actually deprived of sleep. i cant sleep. i am tired. my brain feels heavy. i cant study. only covered 5 chapters out of 26 chapters and all those 5 chapters are just the foundation of the other 21 chapters. the test date is 18th of nov, and yes, i am in some serious deep shit. did i say that i am feeling numb emotionally?

in any case, dear witchy gave a cute proposition before break fast. she asked me to volunteer myself in her 'goosey' mosque as some mentor thingy post. basically being a mentor to teenagers hoping to inculcate islamic/moral values to whatever problems they are facing vis a vis to living in singapore. haha. me as a mentor! of course it sounds interesting. but honestly, i dun think i can do the job well. asked her whether she wants me to be a 'Ustad Metropolitan'? she actually replied, "i kinda like the idea of u being an ustad metropolitan". God. she really has no idea how diabolical i can be. then again, waiting for the goosey to get in contact with me before i make my decision.

chatted with vincent yesterday. basically told him what is bothering me. yeah he knows sth was bothering me because i had a sullen and black look on my face when he came back to camp briefly. well, its a no-brainer because his appearance always manage to get a smile escape from my face. and so, he actually listened and dish out some straight-to-ur-face-bitchy-presumptious-style set of advices. truth be told, it just give me a headache. but i am quite pleased with how things progressed between us. i am more comfortable telling him my stuffs, and he, well, he just bitched more intimately with me. figure that out.

my character is such that i grow clingy/attached to someone who i can relate to be it boy or girl. and sometimes when they are away, i feel a sense of loss. bad. and that bitch is going to australia for a month. sigh.

the other bitch, the diva will come back in about 8-9 days more. kinda miss him. but then again, i always miss him when he is in singapore. and like what usually happens in the past with some other friends, i can feel that we are drifting apart. for one, i sms him less often. well people need their space aye. as long as he is happy *shrugs*

was filled with regret. emotionally. spiritually. the indecisive and yah, shy me caused me sth big. sth huge. and now i am trying hard to salvage it. can i salvage it? goodness. it proves to be so insurmountable. take it from me people. just take the risk if u actually love someone. yeah that coming from me. so many ironies.

will there ever be time enough?
or are we just too naive?
I haven't just given up
oh God,
I still believe
is patience still waiting?
will I wait on my knees too?

nice right? ah thats from mariya's blog to whoever knows her. she always astound me with this snippets of words. it somehow portrays what i am feeling. the previous one was regarding that insensitive friend of mine. this new one is well. sigh, God help me.

really hope the dinner tonight will materialise. though i got the strange feeling it wont. maybe its the pessimistic me in motion again. sigh

wake up from ur slumber narfirus.

yooohooooooooooooooooooo.

i am back in the virtual world until further notice. and boy i miss my virtual life.there are alot to write about.

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"u know, i try very hard to deny ur existence?"

how would u feel if someone tell that to u?

especially someone close? or rather, u think the person is close to u?

well, it hit me hard.i dunno why though.

i knew the person will adopt that stance, yet i wasnt prepared when those words were uttered.

am i too sensitive for my own good?

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"Do unto others as how u want others to do unto u"
- Some said its Confucius who said it, some claimed that its some obscure philosopher of bygone era.

let me do some bit of self appraisal.
i am confident enough to say that i usually think before i say something. though god knows what a bitch i can be, i seldom voice it out. its always in my mind and heart. hence, i am the silent bitch, vincent is the vocal one. often, whatever bitching transpired in my mind will be spoken out by him. and of course those words up there are something i try to abide to.

well, kindness begets kindness. right? or so i thought.

rat-faced. look like a moon. "Have anyone told u that ur face look like a rugby ball?"

heh
simple words eh?

honestly, i usually ponder what are the price to pay for being close to someone? to love someone? be it platonically or others.does it give u the right to mouth words wantonly? to voice out ur opinions with no sheer regard of what the person is feeling? no longer need to exercise tact, caution and diplomacy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

trust
from dictionary.com
"..
truster n.Synonyms: trust, faith, confidence, reliance, dependenceThese nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence: The mayor vowed to justify the trust the electorate had placed in him. Faith connotes unquestioning, often emotionally charged belief: “Often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true” (William James).
.."

to me trust is gained. won.

how to trust a person when the person lies frequently? be it for fun sake, to get things going or whatnot. the thing is, its a lie. so with lies, trust is gone.

and how can u trust someone when that someone dont even trust u?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

do i look gayish?

do i behave effeminately?

why on earth people think i am gay?

ah...

or is it because i do not have a gf yet?

worse still, i suspect a close friend think that i am gay though he didn say it loud.

else, why does questions keep popping up, "Do u like him?"

God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

obviously, i held no major significance in someone's world.

be it in any world that the person has created.

whether the world in which was built with lies.

or the real unpretentious world.

the person dun feel loved.

and i?

dun feel respected.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ahhh..

the un-sadness part will be in another entry ya....

In every time, in every season,
God knows I've tried,
so please
don't ask for more
Can't you see it in my eyes
this might be our last goodbye