keciputan.

the manager just called. to tell me that he wants me to take the final test. i just do not know why i need to take it this fast. bleargh. having a meeting with him this wednesday.

slacking the whole day today. watched Two Towers. before that, the bitch called me in his usual excitement asking questions abt Fellowship of the Ring. vomit blood! keep asking abt this old man, that white lady. hello! there are like dozens of old men and at least 3 white ladies who are main characters. i just do not know why some humans can forego watching such epics like LOTR. shame on u people!

so anyway, i watched Two Towers after he called.

was reading the working paper for the teens aLIVE programme. and looking at the resources that they recommended. teens aLIVE is just a component, 1 out of 5 i think of the comprehensive islamic education working paper. interesting.

so yesterday was a dry run for the centres. basically, all the 8 centres conducted an activity according to the provided materials. it wasnt as tiring cos only a few of the centres made the participants move around. but it was ok. basically it allowed us to gain new ideas, energizers for each other and to try out the techniques that the providers have imparted on us.

i actually feel sad that the workshop lasted only 2days. haha. but its not a one-off affair. the pilot yr for the teens aLIVE project will consist of 4 holidays camps and weekly lessons. and the provider will conduct follow-ups, consultation sessions with the centres. and i am so looking forward to it. there are many more aspects of conducting workshops that they have not the time to go through. things like delivery, communication, style etc were given a miss.

in any case, i think this pioneer group of trainers will be quite a close-knit fraternity. already, goosey and I told FMSA that we may drop by to see how they conduct their workshop cos they will be doing it a week earlier than us.

stayed at the mosque till dusk. goosey was asking a group of young adults to join the youth wing. and he introduced me, "ah ni pun member baru dlm youth wing kita." i just smiled. should have kicked him at the b**t. but the witch will be uber pissed at me ya. :)

he asked me to help him out with another joint project with jamiyah. sometimes i am just appalled at the inefficiency of the muslim institutions in sg. the project is during the christmas period but nothing much have moved or done till now. goodness. i bitched at him abt this and basically told him to start banding together. i mean several mosques can have tacit agreement to help each other out. whats wrong with that anyway? rather than 3 mosques doing 3 different activities, isnt it better for the mosques to rally all their resources and do it in a better fashion.

truth be told, he is in a bind anyway. poor guy (yeah hear hear witch). i keep pressurising him, but he is the one having to play with the politics and whatnot in the workplace. heh. will help him to energise his youth wing. al-iman youth wing, the bitchy youths. funky, cool, menawan.

-------------------------------

will be slacking again tomorrow. got to finish some work before wednesday meeting. and try to work on the first activity of the workshop. am so excited!

bushed.

was, is, am tired.

attended the first day of the trainers' workshop. it wasnt conducted by MUIS per se. rather, it was by this company called Educational Hive which developed the materials for MUIS. a good company i think cos its staffed by youngsters and passionate ones at that. its really about time that MUIS is making a serious effort to pilot such programmes cos like what the officer said, we are really lacking big time in this stuffs.

wont write point by point of what i've learnt today cos there is still tomorrow's workshop to attend. but boy am i happy with myself for attending today's session. at least through out the 8 or so hrs i was there. after that back to whatever self/mood i was in yesterday.

learnt, exposed, acquired many many new things, insights, techniques, skills from the diverse group just now. ranging from the very passionate youngsters, to the very gung-ho individuals to the very experienced pakciks who were there. all in the spirit of learning and ukhuwah.

i missed going for such sessions.

and as usual, made new friends. and saw someone who i faintly remember as having seen frequently before. turned out that he was a spec in tekong.

and should i say that the goosey is cute? wahahaha

have to meet up early tomorrow.

prata kosong 2, kopi-o 1 k goosey!

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

didn mean to blurt out everything to the bitch. but turned out, thats what i did. bleargh. like i said, i just need someone to talk to.

even now.

i got the feeling, that what i felt will happen has already been put into motion. slowly but surely.

received the email from stansfield finally. basically an outline of the fee structure and some projections.

sigh. its more than the projections i made. and i was a bit stumped and shocked. lesson learnt, never made projections based on minimal figures and uncertainties.

still thinking about it. have no idea whether its feasible. if i were to wait for another intake. that will be a bit late.

lets see. if i take it now, i will complete it at 27. a yr later, at 28.

god. there are so many things to think abt.

-------------------------------------------

chatted with tangy. that girl just cant wait to get hitched. hehe and all her suitors are quite eligible. made me feel very inferior. no matter. a man gotta make the best out of the lot cast to him ya.

-------------------------------------------

chatted briefly with my youngest sister. sec1 next yr. she did better than what i expected. but not good enough. i hope she will do better in secondary.

my fave sister she is. never complained. always willing to help with housework. sometimes, i think she is born to be a maid. but she has this character which is very likable.

sigh.

------------------------------------------

i started to write this update with something substantial to talk abt. but everything eludes me. the words. the phrases. only the topics.

wanted to talk to someone. no one wants to talk to me.

waited for kak long to banter nonsensically with but she is not online. can always count on her nonsense to lighten my mood.

i am so bored. so frustrated. so feeling blue.

i really hate this. am i feeling into depression? cant be.

isnt it nice to live by the beach? just throw ur gaze to the sea when u feel blue. lie on the beach and look at the cosmos when u feel down?

i think i will go to the beach one of this days.

.

figure of convenience

doing what i think a friend should do.
called him several times a day.
keep him company since i think he is in constant pain.
and bored to death at home.
i can imagine having a very bad sore throat.
but i cant imagine having a very sore, sharp pain, and throbbing body.
aching all over.
difficulty in walking.
goodness.

his voice really manifested the pain felt.
the complaints.
on normal days i would have told him off.
but i almost teared when he was whining of his pain.
be brave ya.

---------------------
that sunken feeling.
and i used to have this specific feeling/thoughts before.
once or twice before.
years back.
cant remember the exact story.

got this feeling.
to slowly retreat back.
disappear.
when i think my job is done.

ah.
in fact one such incident was with the girl.
after that fateful night at plaza sing.
after which i just slowly retreated back.
slipped into oblivion.
and 'lost contact' for quite sometime.
and we meet once every few months.
or not.
maybe it was once a yr.
cant remember.

that feeling again.
that after my job is done.
after all is well and sprightly once again.
i will just retreat back.
disappear.

was thinking.
how to cope?
the sense of loss will be unbearable.
but i did it before.
did it to the girl.
did it to waimeng.
so i can do it.
not as if i am indispensible.
i am but a figure of convenience

sigh.
sick of this feelings.
i think i am just having too much spare time.
-------------------

bridget jones.

one of the number in the soundtrack, Sorry seems to be the hardest word. but sung by Mary J Blige.

~~~
What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there?

What I got to go to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation.
And it's getting more and more absurd.
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.

What do I do to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation.
And it's getting more and more absurd.
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Yeh. Sorry

What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
What have I got to do?
What have I got to do?
When sorry seems to be the hardest word.
~~~~~~~~

nothing much to write today.
was reading a story, re-reading actually.
and am having this some mixed feelings.

will write more later.

bloated.

from drinking too much tea.

lets see......

nothing much happened yesterday. stayed home. slack. sleep.

------------------------------------------

the bitch is having his surgery today at 8am. a minor one actually but i cringed at that specific surgery. if me as a spectator will cringe, he will be in a much worse state. a minor surgery yet a very painful one. nothing much i can do but to provide him with moral support.

i did try to bring a smile to his face (i think) by promising to whisk him away to somewhere. i really have no idea why i keep having this grand plans! then again, its feasible. and it will be a nice thing to do.

his mother called just now to update me abt his status. before i managed to get thru his phone just now. the poor bitch is in such pain. there was like additional stuffs being done. goodness. imagine having a laryngoscope down ur throat. thats just torture. and some others stuffs inserted. be brave ya bitch. look forward to ur thai trip.

--------------------------------

went to the trainers' session at muhajirin just now. honestly, i dunno what the aim of that session. but the officers in charge was saying that they were looking at how the would-be trainers can energise a group. there were quite a few breaking the ice games and activities. interesting to say the least.

i hate doing breaking-the-ice activities. u can make me present proposals or ideas or conduct lessons but dun make me do break-the-ice activities! then again, i didn make a fool of myself. good enough.

were broken into groups. 3 in total to brainstorm a scenario. my group volunteered to present first. and after presenting, there is this one feisty round lady who sort of provided input and in a way rebutted one of my points. hehe. and me, not to be outdone, rebutted back. i dunno why, but i did. i hate ppl rebutting my idea. especially a feisty lady! lol. but i did rebutted and i felt good. bring it on lady.

that lady is cute btw. cute as in cute. a feisty, round lady! very outspoken and witty. no i am not attracted to her. i just like to have adversaries to spar with. i think she was from darul makmur mosque.

this sat and sunday will be a full session. looking forward to it. more new individuals to meet.

did i mention that one of the MUIS officer, farah, an arabic woman i think, is damn jambu? :)

-----------------------------------

finally watched EC. a malay yuppy drama. a clone of friends lyna thinks. but i am quite surprised it has alot of dialogues abt superb sex partner lah. sex and romance lah. nothing wrong. just surprised. :)

-----------------------------------

moving forward from what i wrote in my last update. did think abt the betrayal part. not trying to harp, just it flashes in my mind a few times.

things might not be the same. will not be the same. i can try to work on it. but its not my fault to begin with.

i think i will start to take things with a pinch of salt.

trust will need to be regain.

do i want to put things back as it once were? of course.

like i've said, its sth dear to my heart. and when sth dear to my heart hurts my heart, the pain is unbearable. still i will try to make it normal. i will.

----------------------------------

might go watch bridget jones with mr danial tomorrow. he was eager to watch a movie. and i have not seen him for quite sometime. should be interesting. need to explain some NS stuffs to him anyway.

---------------------------------

short update. was it?

heh.

"ooops i did it again..."

met the person.
didn initially planned it.
even then, maybe to just a lunch somewhere nearby.
but ended up setting aside the whole day instead.
anything for the person.

met in the bus.
grinning for reason i've yet to comprehend.
changed seat.
chatted and asked a serious question.
for self-confidence mainly.
said something corny, "eh, i tell u sth, will u do it for me? lets not argue for the day." non-committal response with a firm, "i wont promise!"

alight from the bus.
i discovered the deed.

a fool.
made to look like a fool.
made to feel like a fool.

of course, the denials was fast and furious.
even attempted to put all sorts of reasons for the deed.
i was made a fool.

initial response?
i wanted to walk away, but i do not want to.
i wanted to shout but there are hundreds of people there.
i wanted to beat the person up, but i cant bear to do so.

walked thru the un-lighted alley in silence.
taking deep breaths.
god knows how many breaths i took.
silence for awhile, calming myself down at the traffic light.
succeeded to a certain degree.
concluded, who am i?
just a friend.
get a grip of yourself firus.

so we went to tong seng coffeeshop.
was looking forward to it since yesterday.
same like banquet.
one of my favourites.
but not meant to be enjoyed for the day.

sat.
the person in front of me.
ordered coffee.
cos i still want to last the day.
ordered a fish sliced mee hoon soup.

apologies uttered, issued, typed.
i was trying to be calm.
again succeeded to a certain degree.
i wasnt angry at the deed.
not this time.
totally not.

tried very hard to control.
eyes were glazed.
looking at objects which i tried to interest myself in.
my food came.
appetite totally gone.
only ate the fish slices.
and sipped like 5 spoonfuls of the soup.

honestly,
heart felt squeezed.
stabbed.
whichever one.
never felt the pain literally anyway.

walked around the shopping centre.
trying my very best to last the day.
to put up a smile for reasons i do not know why.
but i failed.

betrayed.
it was a very very painful feeling.
the worst ever.
constantly asked, "do u trust me?"
and constantly being schemed upon and lied upon.
yet i bring myself to trust the person.
every single time when was being lied to,
i sulked, i scolded, i pouted, i threw tantrums.
only to literally feel guilty.
brought myself to my knees to apologise for something i am entitled to!
to feel angry for being lied to?
no matter how trivial.
yet i did it.
totally lost all shreds of dignity.
love is to love an imperfect person perfectly.
i hold by that.
even till now.

the person.
the one who breached all layers of barriers which i constructed in all relationships.
how to not feel betrayed?

the trust.
even when the person felt i have no trust on the person.
the fact is i do.
gone out of my way.
for what i asked myself now?
totally disillusioned.
the word is,
betrayed.

if i were a spectator,
and firus came to me,
with total concentration, hp on silent, tv or radio volume down, constant eye contact.
listened.
nod.
smiled assuringly.
prod firus on when i feel firus needs it.
put an arm around his shoulders.
and finally will say,
"So what have u learnt?"
will again, nod.
let firus talk it out.
often, if he is like any other friend, he wont need me telling him what to do.
but if he does,
and only if he really does,
i will say,
"the person do not deserve u. why demean urself as such? let your personality shine. let other friends discover u. stick to what u feel u should have done. persevere. seek solace in god"
and firus would have felt better.
by the sheer reason that someone let him talked it out.
and the day is concluded.

but what would have i done?
i cant do without the friendship.
the constant need to and to receive sms.
the phone calls.
the perceived love.

all in vain.

the person is my best friend.

-----------------------------

sunday.
what a boring day. did duty with someone totally boring.
the bitch didn come.
reason given, no car.
heh.

asked sufian whether he is coming back.
asked him to bring hari raya goodies.
he did.
he looked troubled.
and he asked me a question.
i knew there is more to it.
and he gave himself away.
come to think of it, he just needed someone to talk to.
and i was right of cos.

resumed our chat at 2.15am all the way to 4am.
all out.
told me things which i did not know.
never once condemned him.
never once fault him.
was at my best counsellor-friend mode.
he said sth in his defense which i think is stupid at that point of time but chose to keep quiet.
he said, "sebab tu aku sampai sekarang tak ada best friend. pasal best friend aku sumer hurt aku."
in retrospect, i do not find it stupid anymore.
and i asked, "asal ko tak bilang razif tapi ko bilang aku?"
"pasal kalau aku bilang dia, aku takut. dia buat aku feel more guilty. tapi bilang kau, talking it out, i feel less guilty."
i smiled.
on one hand, i feel honoured. a boost of ego.
on the other hand i think i am just a convenient person at that point of time though he wouldn tell saliheen if he was the convenient person.
though he knows how strict and aloof i am.
yet he also knows how good a friend i can be.
a tiny remnant of my self-confidence which i've lost.
in any case, a friendship re-affirmed.
he even agreed to do me a big task/favour.
and asked in a slight melancholic tone when i wanted to leave camp, "bila kau dtg lagi?"

in life,
choices are made.
when its done, does guilt felt or heaped upon helps u further mould ur character? ur strength of character?
u done it, u stick to it.
nothing else can be done.
if its the wrong one, learn from it.

we are humans.
i dun feel the need to condemn him.
i registered my surprise by the widening of my eyes and a disbelief smile.
thats all.
and i think i detected a slight guilt/shame on his face.
enough for me.
whats the point of scolding him?
he has his parents to guide him.
and i?
just a listener.

i'm sure he will learn.
not just yet.
the baggage is still there.
but i know he will.
even if i am not around.
razif will be there.

and i?
just a person/figure of convenience.
who no one will miss.

------------------------------------

ultra long entry for this one.
i really do not give a damn.
my blog.
my own doing.
my own words.
my choice.
my tears.
my emotions.

often an entry is to relate sth in general.
sometimes, its to prove and convey a point to someone in a veiled manner.
whatever it is, its my blog.

this particular entry,
just to let out things i feel.
points were made in the train, stored in my phone archive.
i am tired of having glazed eyes everytime.
i am tired of penning my diary with sorrows.
am i such a pathetic person?
i do think i am right now.

i feel i need a break.
but the emotional ties/baggage is very dominant.
i feel helpless.
should i feel so?

all i need was some understanding.
i have lost count of how many times the plea was made.
albeit veiled or straight-in-your-face tone.
and usually, apologies will come.
non-committal apologies.
curt acknowledgement of faults and wrongs.
do i need it now?
no i dun.

have i ever attempted to change people's mindsets?
to tune their frequency to mine.
i do know i am in the right frequency with regard to social values.
but to other frequency?
god knows.

why am i so apologetic?
i do not know.
and i do not care anymore.
feeling numb.
yet i know this feeling will subside.
will be packed and sealed and stored in the deepest pit of my heart only to be inhumanely digged up again.

all i have to offer,
is my pathetic self.
which i used to think highly off.
which i jokingly portray to others.
which they think i am just a snob asking for praises.
is that what i am?
no.
and i do not care anymore.
i lost it big time.

i dun know anything anymore.

lyrics idiot.

i almost never listen to the lyrics when i listen to songs and i only memorised the lyrics to very few songs. haha. malay songs, only memorised Belaian Jiwa. yeah mr taufik sang it during asian pop. good for him!

so i was listening to launch radio. dido, white flag was on. and sth told me to find the lyrics. so here it is. no comments on it. just feel that i should paste it here.

-----------------------
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
------------------------------

will start the entry with yesterday events, nothing much actually. went to mosque for friday prayers. caught in the rain but no matter. went to banquet jurong point after the prayers cos its my favourite and i got a craving for my fave ban mian there! i only eat ban mian over there. haha and i almost never try the other diverse selection. once, i feel like trying the meatballs noodles. but i end up just buying ban mian! looking around, i thought i am the only one who is having lunch alone. pathetic. to have ur meal outside alone. but i am not alone in the sense that there are quite a number of people at the foodcourt who was eating alone. whats wrong with enjoying ur meal in the solitude of ur ownself? its not that bad. yeah, who am i kidding?

went to look for my shoes. due to the short time i've left, yeah a big procrastinator i am, i decided to just go to bata. very tight budget anyway. so i looked around. compared a few shoes. tried 3 different ones before deciding on a soft leather one. i like it to be honest. and it cost only $60. somehow its a bit loose but i dun give a hoot. it will prevent me from getting blisters. and its nice! honest. simple yet nice.

will get one from aldo next yr maybe. for business functions or what not. but this cheap pair will do for daily business wear.

and i think i am shrinking. i dunno why i am shrinking. have not been running for like ages! but i am already having inches shaved off my waist. thats good. and bad at the same time. cos no matter how thin i become, i already have broad shoulders. a broad-shouldered guy with thin waist is like an hourglass! only girls should have an hourglass figure!

i have no idea when was the last time i had rice for my meals at home. if u considered lontong/ketupat as rice, then its last monday. if its not considered, then maybe its last saturday. almost a week without eating rice. ate noodles or bread though. maybe thats why i am shrinking? and sometimes i only eat 1 meal a day. doesnt sound that bad. i will just keep munching on tapioca chips and banana crackers. but run out of both anyway. so yeah no more finger food maybe. have to take my weight again!

after the jurong point trip, i went to the tailor shop near my house to alter my pants! i thought they can do it immediately. its already 3.20pm. i need to go to the seminar at 5pm! and boy are those nyonyas bad girls! they either told me to get it tomorrow or next monday. even told me, "lu tengok sekarang dah pukul brape?" hello? its only an alteration what. cut the excess length and sew it back. how difficult can that be?

so needless to say, i had to wear the pants without alteration. not that bad actually but i was conscious of myself. kept on looking at the length of other's pants. lucky for me, i was wearing a conservative black pants. so its not that bad. had it been grey or brown, it will look damn weird!

when i met ryan, the first thing i did was to bitch abt the length of my pants. and he consoled me it looked fine cos i am tall. bleargh. but truth be told, i do looked fine. haha though i looked thin. not haggard though. and i unbuttoned a button cos its friday and ppl can see the my shoulder bones! yeah whats with the shoulder bones? every guy's shoulder bones are visible. but lemme tell u, NOT ALL GUYS HAVE VISIBLE shoulder bones. definitely not those fat ones.

and....... there were 2 gays who were actually cruising me! i know they are gay cos they trimmed their eyebrows and put on a bit of make up? a straight metrosexual dun put on makeup. but yah, they cruised me. wahaha. *shrugged*

so went to the hotel with him. saw my new colleagues. i have more girl colleagues than guys. mostly in their twenties. nice bunch basically. got to meet some new ones which i have not met before and basically just banter around with the older ones which i have already chatted with before.

the seminar is basically boring! whatever the speakers talked abt have been briefed to me by my manager! so was fidgeting through out the 1.5 hrs. but one of them said, "Do or do not. Do not try"

yeah from yoda actually :)

so had a drink after the seminar with my manager and some others. before i made a move. pathetic. went home like at 10pm on a friday night! sad.

waimeng called when i was in the train asking me to meet him at west mall. so i went there. tried their promotional ice-blended. yucky. talked. he updated me abt his next career move and passed me the shirt he bought for me from bangkok. red jersey! me wearing red. tsk.

but i do notice, he keeps on reminiscing and invoking those stupid dreams we used to have during our sec sch. the dream house we wanted. one of the dreams, was to have a 7-storey house. 3 basement, 4 above. heh. with all the luxury items we can ever dream off. and he said how nice that we are still maintaining this friendship though we went into a hiatus through out our poly years. *shrugs*

thats how the day ended. with him sending me home of cos.

saturday.

woke up at 12. supposed to go to the east side. but both aunties already have prior plans and told my mum to come next week instead. they are not being rude or anything. so its ok. went to clementi. another auntie house. she always made new goodies every year. this yr, she had a kuih which is modelled like Mr Arnotts biscuits. those blueberry or strawberry filling. hers was blueberry. nice!!! super uber nice!

and she cooked us fried laksa. using curry powder. weird. first time i ate that. but its nice. and i felt like shitting when i was on my way home.

o, mum was angry i didn follow her to another auntie house at bedok. i just said to her i already gone to their house a few days before hari raya. fuming mad she is. but i dun care. and did i mention that i tripped her fuse by my constant bitching abt her choice of handbag? whats the deal with wearing nicely but carrying a cheapo handbag? forced her to consider the ferragamo my uncle bought for her. i dun think its a real ferragamo but it looked real enough. so she was so angry but like i said, i dun care. she did change her handbag though :)

and yes. i am now reading yet another love level. Dambaan Pilu by Embriza. some upstart malaysian writer. but NICE! haha was tearing halfway. only tearing. didn cry! i teared during Kabhi Kushe Kabhi Gham anyway. bleargh.

its storyline was modelled after Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. 2 best friends for 5 yrs. didnt realise its love. the guy ambivalent towards the girl's feelings. just go watch the hindi show again to know the storyline la ya. going to finish the novel before i sleep.

have to go back camp tomorrow for my last duty. what a bummer. bleargh.

wednesday.

accompanied a friend to cgh for pre-surgery check up. woke up early for that. and a day before my big test. all the way to simei. ok la. quite fun.

i dunno whats the big deal with pets safari. over-priced items. but i went there nonetheless.

accompanied the friend to dhoby ghaut to collect the course notes and yeah, we fought. i basically shouted. there is a limit to my patience and silence. apparently what my teacher taught me, to take deep breaths to calm urself down just doesn work. its sth that broke the camel's back. so i didn care. just shouted. was fuming mad. but felt guilty after 5 mins. whats new?

went to eat at PS. mcDonalds. before going back. wasted half a day to do sth which basically doesnt concern me but its for a friend.

even went to get a pouch for myself and him. i like! maybe will get more.

reached home and studied furiously. was stressed basically. but 2 things made my day.

1) another friend opened up to me about his love life. (i have no idea why this made my day) the level of trust? my personality? but never ever judge a book by its cover or judge a person's mood by the facade he put up on his face.

2) i finally chatted with mr razil zalaza. haha. lyna asked whether i wanted to chat with the owner of the blog i was infatuated with. i asked her back, whether she knows how damn weird it is for a guy to come up with a pick up line for another guy! but we chatted and i wasnt being fake or anything. so another friend gained.

---------------------------------------------------

shouter n.
Synonyms: shout, bawl, bellow, holler, 1howl, roar, whoop, yell
These verbs mean to say with or make a loud strong cry: fans shouting their approval; bawled out orders; bellows with rage; hollered a warning; howling with pain; a crowd roaring its disapproval; children whooping at play; troops yelling as they attacked.

i promise myself here, that i will try to never shout at my siblings and my dear ones.

will try to always put myself in their shoes. to be empathatic. to try to understand and look at issues according to their viewpoint.

will always try to ask, "why u want to do this?" "why u think that way?" and whatever meaning which is of the same timezone. and in a nice tone of cos.

will never shout or raise my voice to things which goes against my wish. "WHY!"

cos i know how hurting it can be when people do it to me.

-------------------------------------------------------

thursday.

test at 9am. woke up early. 6+. the anticipation. the stress i guess. quickly browsed thru a test paper in the train before i just try to relax. cos i was early, had coffee at suntec and read Today and Streats. entered the exam room relaxed and calm.

2 hrs later. i passed. was controlling my face when i collected my result slip. 2nd to finish the test after a lady. messaged my manager and ryan straight away. heh. those 2 buggers are the ones who have been heaping pressure on me.

i passed on the 1st try while most take at least 2-3 tries. just because i cant afford to retake. another $80 would have been wasted. and i 'tikam' a good number of questions anyway.

somehow, i entered the exam room feeling the way i felt entering the O levels exam hall. calm, relaxed, suppressed confidence. i love this feeling. never had this feeling in poly. poly sucks anyway. so its a good change/revival. maybe the need to prove myself. the need to regain that old me was strong. maybe some pressure by well-meaning individuals do help and is healthy. thanks to those people who helped.

went to dhoby ghaut to meet the bitch. he wanted to go to the tour agency at chinatown point. saw a banquet foodcourt there. was surprised and pleased. i like banquet. but not fated to eat there.

the bitch settled his tour bookings. then we went back to suntec. eat BK before we went to the motorshow. had an ok time. a bummer though cos BMW didn participate in the motorshow. :( sat in a few cars. mazda 6 feels the best. watched the stuntshow by Team Subaru and Russ Smith. cool. not bad.

i had to hurry to get a pants. die die had to get one cos i have to attend a seminar tomorrow and i have no business pants. pathetic. so got one. a regular cut from G2000. i knew then why Anne said none fit me in G2000 cos i tried only the contemporary cuts. and it doesnt suit me. what a waste. so yeah.

watched incredibles. before going back to carrefour cos the bitch wanted to get some stuffs. razif called. surprised cos i thought he was in camp. nice though and his birthday is next week.

back home now. and updating my blog. tired. emotionally drained.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i) all along, i planned this day for me to have fun. to de-stress. to just have good fun. enjoy myself. in the eventuality of passing my test of course. which i did.

ryan offered to take me to rock-climbing. sth which i wanted to do. but turned him down cos of prior plans.

waimeng asked tentatively what i will be doing. but i turned him down too.

dunno why. but today wasnt what i planned to experience. the itinery was as planned. the mood wasnt. totally sucks.

i even asked myself in the theatre, why am i here? a movie which is rated 4.5stars out of 5 just totally blew in my face. was it because of the movie? no. anyway, i wasted a movie which is actually good had i entered the theatre with a happier mood.

ii) was totally suppressed. the confidence. the laughter. the yearning to be happy.

asked myself in the train back home. have i not done enough?

i felt i was like in a point system. went out of my way to do things which normally i just wouldn. to do things to elicit a smile. maybe to a certain extent, an acknowledgement of gratitude. to chalk points for myself to be able to do things which i want to do. but apparently i still fall short. its not enough. such is the diffidence i am having.

heh. even said this, "if i meant so much to you, can u promised me that u will stop lending people money? even myself?"

"even yourself?"

"yes"

what in heavens was i thinking? who on earth do i think i am? to say such stuffs? not my place definitely. overstayed my welcome.

iii) sen·si·tive ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sns-tv)
adj.
Capable of perceiving with a sense or senses.
Responsive to external conditions or stimulation.
Susceptible to the attitudes, feelings, or circumstances of others.
Quick to take offense; touchy.

i used to think highly of myself. i used to think my sensitivity is my strongest trait. people opened up to me. sometimes without prodding. and me, being me, listened and dish out advices which i sometimes dun even practise it myself. but i knew then and there that thats what the individual needs to hear. i pride myself with being able to hold the person's hand and help him out.

but i have come to a point that this trait is fast becoming detrimental to myself. why do u need to always put urself in the person's shoe anyway? with sensitivity comes the other variable. to be too attached. where is the line then?

i used to tell razif this, roughly, "i think u have always been putting urself in situations where u always want to make ur friends happy. sometimes u have to do things for urself. be happy by being urself." thats when he complained of not being able to watch movies he wanted to watch cos his friends dun share his interest. a trivial matter.

but i guess, i must also start to practise what i preach. must go back to loving myself. do my own things. do what i want. do what i feel for.

i have no idea why i have to continue to take on the conciliatory attitude. why the need? why the need to go out of my way?

feel as if ppl are doing me a favour by going out with me.

weak i am.

iv) is to be detached the way to go? to go back to that heck care attitude i used to have.

used to just not be bothered with what my friends are doing. yes. felt lonely. but u are at peace with urself. u just do what u feel like doing. even watched movies by myself. star wars 2 and harry potter 2. yeah. just go when i feel like going.

went in and out of the trying room at G2000 just now. just take what i feel is nice. and tried it again. when i think its nice, just buy it. thats what i did just now. do just what u think u can live with.

the feeling is utterly indescribable. sad. to put it in layman's term.

its like a vase. a big round vase but with very slender mouth/neck. and the vase has carbonated water. the vase is on a tripod stand being heated by a bunsen burner. continued to heat it up. reached a temperature where the water wants to spurt out. only to kill the fire. and reheat again.

thats what i felt.

v) like keeping discus. or a pedigreed pet. a dog or a cat. u cant just keep it and feed it occasionally. call its name occasionally. monitor the water occasionally and expect the pet to just grow up as how it should progress.

constant touching up. temp of water. composition of food. constant TLC needs to be given. shower it with love. even if the pet dunno what the hell u talking abt when u coo-ed sweet nothings to it. but the fact is, it will progress as how a pedigreed pet should.

---------------------------------------------------

tomorrow will be a better day. no regrets.

i have lost count how many times i've watched The Last Samurai. twice at the theatres. and many more times at home.

it is my fave movie of all time!

the soundtrack is just SO SO good! and that makes this movie in the same league as The Last of the Mohicans. i dun care what the Oscars said or award to, but these two movies have the best soundtrack!

the values, ethics, and the issues portrayed in the movie can be aptly said as Clash of the Civilisations!

"i have a dream of a unified.. strong.. and modern japan... Now, we have railways, cannons and western clothing. BUT WE CANNOT FORGET WHO WE ARE!"

thats what the imbecile emperor said at the end.

------------------------------------------------

went to a campmate's place at woodlands for hari raya yesterday. he only invited a selected few and 4 of us went there. nice food! and we had a good chat of course.

i sms-ed my hari raya greetings to all those who i have yet to message in the evening.

and there is this one friend who i have not messaged or keep in contact with for so so long. maybe for 1-2yrs.

a very intelligent and street smart this person is. always intellectually engaging conversating we had.

to cut the story short, we agreed to meet up soon. cos he is in NS. at tekong as a roving pc.

its always a wonder how we 'slack' in maintaining treasured relationships.

------------------------------

chatted with a friend of kak long's. a 32yr architect. a successful malay professional i must say. and that was the first time i chatted with him. to the bewilderment of kak long of cos. he said he remembered me from #islam and had even engaged in some chats with me. but i dun remember him at all. well thats the impact and the popularity of the resident wak in that once-active channel!

in any case, we chatted a wide ranging of topics. from careers to cars to family to marriage to the mtv generation!

and of course we agreed to have coffee sometime in the future.

haha. in my defense, its always good to make friends with professionals. it spur u on to achieve ur dreams.

one thing that he advised me on, dun be afraid to change direction while u are young. it may be a worthy one.

yeah, will keep that in mind.

"stagnant water kills a fish. stangnant life kills a man"

in that score, i can be assured that the bitch will never keep my life stagnant. :)

-------------------------------

Leo
(jul23-aug22)
Love: You've always been sure about just the type of crush material you've been saving yourself for - or so u think! you might be unable to see a person for who he/she really is if he/she doesnt fit your ideal mould. set yourself free and you might be sweetly surprised.

heh. how true. how true. its the zodiac forecast from the most recent teenage magazine :)

its a mindset u know. i never expect my gf to be in my granny's or mama's mould. but well. u just cant love any girl u know. must be that special someone.

anyway the advice above is quite spot on abt myself. so ya will try to set myself free.

BUT, i will never compromise on this aspect, a girl who cannot cook will never be my wife.

the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach.

call me archaic or wak kuno for all i care. u can jolly well sue me too!

----------------

i finally passed the hari raya goodies to the bitch. i wanted to go to yck to pass him but he felt bad. he felt bad. yeah i repeated that.

so he wanted to wait till his father is back from work to use the father's car.

but he called at 6+ saying that he couldn get the car and is on his way to sch to collect his course notes. was bitching and whining in the cab. novena church jam la. goodwood park hotel's xmas deco nice lah.

so i listened to his bitching for a good while and was at the same time thinking how to meet him.

then,

the bitch told me to get out of my house now!

that bugger. i knew all along from the moment he refused to meet me at yck that he will just get the car and come to my place.

but he manipulated me into thinking that he had to go orchard/sch first! even acted as if he is giving directions to the old chinese educated taxi driver! god. i am just so easily fooled! by him!

so ya, he never failed to make me smile.

its a love hate relationship. no explanation need to be given.

went to kfc at jurong point for dinner with my little brother. browsed for his cousin's present at the jewellery stores. and bought something from body shop.

cranberry shower foam.

i like!

but its the milk foam which i liked more. will get it next month.

--------------------

i finally completed the textbook. all 26 chp! now on to doing the test questions. thursday is the test.

hopefully i pass. then i can go for the motorshow and The Incredibles with a peace of mind!

wish me luck!!!

the first day of aidilfitri. actually there is only one day. heh

started the day with solat raya of cos. went to the prayers place at abt 7.30am. kiasu actually cos the prayers will only start at 8.45am. i think its the latest among all the places in sg. and it has always been so. waktu dhuha kape. so ya. 8.45am.

and i think the bitchy characteristic in me is really rearing its head and its uber bad man! imagine while takbir, and there is this man who just came, and i was like, in my heart of cos, "oh god, look at this man! his attire......". thats before i stopped myself. its like the devil against the angel. remember those old donald duck cartoons? the angel in me said to the devil, "what the heck are u thinking?! org ngah takbir ko masih nak kutuk dia! stupid bitch" so ya i didn bitch finish lor. wahaha.

the solat raya was as usual. my fave ustaz came nicely decked in jubah and keffiyah. white keffiyah though. nice. he actually looked like a handsome arab. and i noticed that he used cufflinks with his jubah! cool man. yeah vain i am. but i noticed it and took note.

honestly the sermon is stale. same old topic. but remember, verily tazkirah is for the mukmin. and tazkirah is supposed to be repeated again and again. so i didn bitch, i didn sleep, i listened. u cant bitch, u cant sleep btw! it was a spirited sermon nonetheless abt the state of the ummah. i dun think i will do justice if i were to re-produce the sermon. BUT, read this excerpt of a blog entry from lyna's fren. this excerpt is the layman's version of the khutbah. read on ya.

"..................... Most of the time when we look at the classified.. We'll see terms such as "Mandarin prefered" and stuff. Aite, that is enough for some of us to labelled this company and our country as racist.
Now, lets compare...

In America, the same goes to the African American who were once upon a time, labelled as slaves to the whites. But didn't they make it through? They worked hard to revolutionised the whole idea of them being the slaves to the white. And when they were given the space to show what they can do, they did it gloriously. Look where they stand now.. We have never even once in their position where we are totally condemned and considered as slaves and yet it is already so tough for us, Malays.... WHY?

In Malaysia, the whole idea of Bumiputera, is to give an upperhand to the Malays there. The Chinese, Indians and other races are not at all eligible. Malaysian Chinese and Indian businessmen making their way up in the country and the region. They worked hard to be where they are. Amongst themselves, they helped each other to make their way. They did not rely on the government to give them the funds and priviledges... They make their stands and be recognised. Now, we are in a similar boat which the Malaysian Chinese are in... But why is it so tough for us, Malays... WHY?

Once in a while, I really do feel that the government is kinda biased against the Malays. But whenever I try to think it through, I find its not that the government being biased against the Malays... It's the priviledges given to the majority. But if the African American and Malaysian Chinese can make it through.. So can we!

The only difference between them and us is that once upon a time... this island once called temasek, belongs to us, Malays. But its no longer about this is our land... we lost it many many years ago when the Sultan make the biggest mistake in the history of our race. But let's not blame him, shall we? What's past.. have past.

We can't scream at the government, to the PM, SM, MM.. and don't know what M it might be later, Give Us Back Our Land!... It simply won't work. I don't wanna get involve in politics now, but if you look at our very own Malay Party.. Yes! we do have one.. And compare their capabilities with our current governing party.. It makes you wanna cry.

We can't beat them... not yet. We can't beat them.. we join them. If we find that learning their language is a need, learn it!.. It might be quite late for those in the 40s, but surely not for us who are in the 20s and below. We can make it through... And when we have that ample energy and prestige to voice out and make our stand.. They better listen or we will make them.

Kalau Hang Tuah masih hidop... mau tak menangis dia nengok kita macamni..

........................."

yeah.. to do the person justice, here is the link, very cool website. i want to make frens with him. ahakz!http://razilzalaza.blogspot.com/

so after the prayers and khutbah, i went around looking for my kuliah frens. hakim in particular. though i see him only a few times a year, we are like old frens! my cousin and i and him. we make a trio. we never concentrate in kuliahs if he is around. lol. he is going to NS soon. abt time actually and he was bitching abt being overweight just by a kg and what the cmpb ppl said, "well u can be the thinnest of the obese batch over there".. haha poor him. but all the best bro.

dropped by my granny's for awhile. to have breakfast before going back home. took a nap and at 2+, went to another granny's place at bedok. i only go to this granny's once a year. maybe twice. heh boring seriously. but i dare say, i am the most loved grandson over that side. she gave me like $40 bucks for hari raya! i dunno how much she gave the others. but $40 bucks lor! my other siblings only got $5. haha

stayed for like 45 mins before making our way next block to my grandaunt's place. the place i like cos there are always loads of goodies in her house.

but maybe she budget this yr. or she was busy. modest goodies variety. and an empty dining table. my 3rd sister looked at me. i looked back. haha. in my mind, "budget kot!" haha. but a while later, she asked, "yah, nak makan lontong? yus, nak makan lontong?" (yah, being what they called my mum) hehe so ya, the bitchy me again at work!

we just chatted. my mum is closest to her among the grandaunts and again, we only visit her once a year. very bad leh!!!

so after another 45mins, we make our move. when we were on the lift, i told my sis, "dia thn ni bajet ah! aku ingat meja dia kosong, memang dia bajet. rupanya dia simpan lontong" my sis laughed. very bad me. did i say that we met thaqif? albeit my mum making a fool of herself. no. not because we want his autograph. heh

we are not very close to our paternal side. my mum is only close to 2 grandaunts, and 2 of my dad's siblings, both aunties. at the grandaunt's house, i finally met rizan, a guy same age as me which was my pri sch classmate and i thought was my cousin by relation and which i have not met for a cool 13 yrs! no, he didn go overseas or anything. but us being us only go there once a yr mah. and all the yrs he wasnt around.

so i was surprised and quite happy. but didn have the chance to talk to him. he was uber shy. i dun even know whether he recognise me still. in any case, i asked my mum abt him and his parents. only to realise that by family relation ranking, he is actually my uncle! cos his father is my grandaunt's brother, which is his father. so him and my dad same rank. that makes him my uncle! goodness. having an uncle same age as me. anyway, gonna try to find ways to re-establish our relationship. did i say that he is ryan giggs lookalike? yeah girls. :)

we reached my maternal grandparents place rather early! we are like the 2nd family to arrive while the past yrs, we are among the last. haha. i told my uncle got some schedule screw-up after he asked and joked repeatedly why we are early.

this year is very boring man. the highlight of my visit to my granny's was when my cousins from bedok came!

their family have 4 children. 4 cousins. 2 boys, 2 girls. and i am only close to the 2 girls. the boys, well not close la. but one of the boy cousin who is married and have 2 cute toddler sons is the only one who gave me duit lebaran lor. haha he insisted!

anyway, we had a blast. kept on posing, snap, reject, posing, snap, reject using another cousin's digicam. haha 3 vainpots. but they made my day :)

after they left, i stayed for awhile and i also finally made my move. me alone. and here i am writing this blog. boring la. and hot. so i left earlier.

and i felt uneasy cos i have only 4days left to cover 10 bloody chapters before my test!!!!

big procrastinator u!

------------------------

clearest indication given yet. move on la dey. haha.

the diva told me just now someone approached him at town with an offer to star in a coca-cola advertisement. and that bugger turned it down! he rather save his leave for ORD. idiot man. i know of many people who would snap the chance. but he turned it down! goodness

here is to wishing everyone,
Eid Mubarak, minal aidil wal faizin walmaqbulin
Taqabbal Allahu minna wa minkum

-----------------------------------------------

its the end of the fasting mth. and tomorrow is hari raya of cos. visiting mainly 3 houses only. both side grandparents and my dad's aunt house. normal annual schedule for hari raya basically. cant do without going to the 3 houses. 2 in bedok, 1 in jurong.

the grandaunt's house is always a pleasure to go cos she always
have more than 15 variety of hari raya goodies on the first day. different types of kek lapis, different flavours of swiss rolls! heavenly man. and me and my siblings always deplete her stocks of swiss rolls. sue us!

late afternoon will be back to jurong. thats when the whole of my maternal side will converge to my granny's place. yeah. the whole clan! power. and its will be like a few hrs of bitching, chatting, and basically noise! hehe.

this yr sucks cos i wont get any 'duit zakat'! haven work also no money go in. sucky man!

------------------------------------

a few campmates started sending hari raya greetings. cute and
vulgar at the same time. shant post it here :)

asked him whether there is anything he wanna wish me abt. he
asked what? happy birthday?

i told him to read today's straits times in the forums section abt an indian's grouse on festival greetings.

he didn get the point. maybe its not his practise to wish others
on their festivals or show some basic courtesy.

so its ok.

thats him btw.

---------------------------------------------

i asked many many questions.

bad. especially when its one-sided. why so busybody aye?

ppl like to keep some info to themselves, be secretive, be in
their own private space, u should respect it.

so ya, will accord the person that privacy.

and basically treat the person as how they treat u.

cannot be so 'lovey dovey' aye.

oh, the girl did say, the feeling of being loved is much
better than the feeling of loving someone.

how true.

ah.. finally down to typing a normal update..

the bitch is the director of my blog. keep on insisting pictures shld be put up. his words, "who is ben? who is vincent? ppl dunno!" so ya, i put up his picture. he is damn proud of that pic really. what with the excellent lighting and shade which makes him just look tantalizingly hot to babes. heh.

today was ok.

woke up from sleep at 10++. and i promised the goosey that i will meet him at 11.30! was late of cos. so i wanted to cancel it. i pity him really. he was ok with it and suggested i just completed the form via email. and as fate would have it, my pc had menses. so in the end, had to rush to the mosque.

took a cab and met him around 11.45. cute goosey. asked him some qns. he asked me some questions and the meeting was concluded abt 25mins later.

he asked me why i didn just stick to my nickname :) taqi. its a good nick he said. i explained, taqi had become such a good nickname for me that my friends call me taqi even outside and do not know my real name! and he simply answered, just change it. cute goosey. (witch will be blushing)

and that being my first meeting with him, i didn convey the questions both erlyna and witchy had for him. i didn kiss him, didn hug him, didn ask him when he gonna propose and didn ask him whether he had any friends for dear erlyna. next time yeah!

after the friday prayers, i rushed to the office. its easy to go from bukit panjang to the office actually. and my manager made me wait for an hr before he finally showed up! grr..

so he discussed abt the tutorial qns i had. whole 3hrs actually.

i didn know a meeting can be very tiring! he updated me abt the company. normal stuff.

after the meeting, a colleage who was also a friend from sec sch asked me along for japanese dinner with another classmate. so since he is treating, i went along. it was almost time for break fast anyway.

we went to sushi tei. i almost didn recognise my classmate. a wonder how long hair can actually do wonders to a person's look. she is pretty to begin with, but her new look make her look like a japanese doll!

so yeah, my first time in a posh japanese. grabbed all the sushi which looked nice to me and ate the salmon sashimi. heavenly! gulped like 3-4 glasses of green tea!

and goodness heavens. a 3person meal at sushi tei can amount to abt $110! so expensive! so not me. 30+ per person for a dinner? goodness. and all we ate was like sushis, sashimi, steamed egg. but a change now and then is good i guess.

after that, we went to shop, tried different pants and got all sorts of negative comments from her before she finally concluded, this shop's pants doesnt suit u. go find another shop ya. stupid g2000! but the shirts are nice. will get the different colours later!

and so that concludes my day. very tiring actually. and all i did was attend 2 meetings, a dinner, and tried some pants.

tiring! i think i need essence of chicken eh. (remember the advertisement)

gonna get some new discus tmrw. am wondering whether i should buy the same strain or some new ones. a blue diamond is good too. but i want the golden discus!! *hint*

till laters!

oh i forgot, lemme bitch. last week or last 2 week i think, when the president of United Arab Emirates passed away, masjid Assyakirin did a solat ghaib. but when Arafat passed away, the masjids dun do it. at least masjid al-iman didn! what the story morning glory?? asked around, not many ppl will know whois the president of UAE or how many emirates make up the confederation called UAE! but i bet EVERYBODY knows arafat and palestine! such bias politics at play! goodness!

totally shameless

this is what the owner of the picture said, and i put it up becos he insisted on it, i quote,

"hey...he is kind of familiar....looks cool...think i saw him with u at jurong pt the other day right firus? didnt know he has a good bod.. heh heh..thought he was kind of scrawny.. "

goodness

hmmm.. sth is wrong with my updates.. y eh?

It's deepavali today. Nothing much happened.

Went to granny's for the day. to have some peace and quiet actually. and to study furiously. so thats what basically happened.

broke fast there. and as usual, i am always amazed by her culinary skills. she can make a simple bland dish of turnips to taste heavenly! no one at home will eat that dish if its my mum who cooked it. but my granny made it so tantalisingly delicious!

i commented abt the bottles and foodstuffs on the table. it was given to her.

more than a decade ago, when my granny was living at another older part of jurong west, she was a babysitter to an indian neighbour's two kids. a singh family specifically. she babysat the older kid, 1-2 yr older than me and i was that indian kid's playmate. whenever i went to granny's that is. when a baby came along, my granny babysat the younger kid too.

the story is such that, according to her, during the infancy period of the baby kid, my granny only took a portion of the usual fee that the indian lady usually gave her. she was just being considerate because the matriarch of the family was also ill. so whenever the lady gave her $200, she will give back $50. and the 'tussle' continues every month. the lady gave her $200, and she gave back $50.

that is just an anecdote among many instances during her 'career' of a babysitter to the family's kid.

and my granny moved to a newer part of the estate. and the indian lady moved to teck whye.

but the relationship only grew closer.

every yr, during our 3 festive seasons, (2 hari raya and 1 deepavali), my grandparents and the indian family will exchange visits. without fail. and often, every deepavali some of my aunties or cousins will tag along and the relationship just grew. the indian family will come visiting every hari raya, on the first day and on hari raya haji. and they will always bring loads of gifts for my grandparents.

the usual goodies, clothes, blanket, and money! every year. without fail. and my granny will reciprocate by cooking dishes for the family.

its a wonder that some small heartfelt gestures can elicit so much gratitude from the indian family towards my grandparents.

and this yr, because deepavali was on a fasting mth, the indian family took the trouble to visit my grandma on wednesday instead!

apparently, in this instance, kindness begets a lifelong gratitude!

i wrote,"there is always pluses. the sheer potential and joy to know understand each other's family, each others customs is undescribable. and of course, that can only happen when both sides are genuinely interested in doing that."

:)

hmmm a few days worth of blogging. just didn manage to update every week. mental block. got the ideas but not the words to type it down. went to ice-skating with him. first time. wasnt that interested but he was so keen on it and yah, dun wanna disappoint. him, being the fickle one was also interested to go to escape theme park. goodness. from jurong to pasir ris. so after like half an hr of conference call, and endless bitching abt the park, we decided to just make do with the ice-skating plan! with ben of course. so we met. me and vincent. ben was nowhere to be seen. that white bitch is just so engrossed with swimming and tanning himself. whats the deal with tanning anyway? if u are white, u are white? why become red and have skin peeling off u? basically just soaking urself in the sun for glamour worth of like a week. then back to tanning and the whole routine. a waste of time. tsk. anyway, was apprehensive when i entered the rink. wanted to call it off. but vincent virtually dragged me to buy the tix. he got the CHICKYs CLUB card and we pay like 2/3 of the total cost. its totally a new thing of me. skating! to cut the story short i fell down 6 times! i didn keep track. the bitch did. he was having fun with me falling down! but i did enjoy myself. and that stupid bitch still claimed he dunno how to skate! and we arrived to the conclusion that the diva was just too image-conscious to fall down in front of us! duh. anyway we met the diva later for dinner (breaking fast) at seoul garden. there is a rule when u meet with a diva. the diva is never late. the rest are just, well early! (an edited quote from Princess Diaries2) while waiting for the diva, we went to the library to kill time. and the bitch was basically hoping that the girl who was doing her school survey will approach us. his experiment in being tanned and desirable to girls. and the girl did approach us. he was happy! damn happy! and cant stop gushing afterwards. *roll eyes* its a fact she is doing a survey and we are just strangers for her to approach. thats my conclusion. the bitch thinks he is absolutely gorgeous! anyway. so we met the bitch. abt 30-45 mins later than he shld have. piled up the table while waiting for time to break fast. and we had a blast of a time. everyone of us keep on eating and barbequeing and dumping food into the soup. the bitch is a rabbit. simple. he keeps on dumping whole load of vegetables! go seoul garden just to eat veges?! anyway, thats monday. nothing much on tuesday. but i did went to my auntie's at bedok to take my tarts and cornflakes cookies. aunty whipped quite a storm though its just normal fare. and emerged from her house quite full. met a friend at bugis, went to amiran's for mocktail. first time at amiran's! quite a suaku i am. anyway, went to bodyshop and stole some whiffs of the new cranberries line of product and the milk shower lotion. nice! and i am becoming quite a metrosexual albeit still a very much slacker one. how can a wak be a metrosexual? haha wak eat jamu k. so wednesday. go back to camp to conduct physio lesson. total waste of time. in the end just teach them how to adjust and use the crutches. seriously, no one misses me and vincent even if we AWOL! bummer. met him at 4 for taxi before walk2 see2 look2. basically its a 101 course. in what? bitching shopping. or bitches on prowl. or whatever. spent like 40 mins i think at tiffany and co acquainting ourselves with their men's line. the kakak jambu was very patient with us. but i must say that their staffs are very well trained. its good. and we emerged from the shop buying nothing but knowing all abt the men's line! geez. classic. went into mont blanc boutique. stupid. either the staffs arent well trained or they are tired. i think its the former. even Hugo Boss staffs take the effort to serve us although the bitch was so skimpily clad! (meaning dont look cash-rich although he is) so thats the shopping part. and as usual the bitch have a new object of fancy. a nice minimalist pendant from tiffany. did we mention that we go to lee hwa and was served tea? went to burger king to eat and chat and argue. arguments are a staple for us. before finally going off. hmm i compared the UOL courses between SIM and Stansfield. will write abt that another day. ---------------------------------------- we have to learn to let go and accept changes got that from a young adult's blog. heh. have to learn from it. i keep on clinging to things i love. should let go. let the bird fly and if he is meant to be yours, it will return ya. sigh Sunday, November 07, 2004 the diva is back from australia. he was there for 20days for the usual exercise wallaby. asked me out yest morning but i was non-committal cos i already had prior appointment with vincent. but it turns out that our plans clashed so i went out with the diva instead. was in the bus, on the way to the mrt station and was looking out of the windows at the old nyonyas and makciks and i fell into a ruminative mood. nothing depressing or sad or anything like that. just contemplative, ruminative. i am quite a sino-nised individual. my close friends have always been chinese guys. no. i dun have a fetish for them. it just turns out to be like that. waimeng, vincent, ben. these people. except for that overgrown big baby of course :) and truth be told. its quite a challenge to juggle urself vis a vis ur chinese friends. especially close ones. i used to think that i have to conform to the societal norms (fifi will grinned at this phrase). meaning, wherever the flock go, i have to go. whenever they want to do sth, i have to do it too. that seems to happen alot during secondary sch. then come the poly phase where i am basically my own man. i dun really give a hoot to what my friends are doing. and needless to say, the poly phase is the boring phase of my life. spent a lot of time online. wasting my time really. i have no idea really when exactly i decided to put my foot down and try to exert my own influence. though i still failed miserably in this aspect at times. and i begin to adopt a more proactive stance to friends. there have been times i just tell them to wander around at heeren whilst i do my prayers at al-falah mosque. there have also been times i changed the meeting time to sth more convenient to me. there have been occasions where friends try to tailor their outings to suit my fasting needs. and for all pluses, there will always be minuses. there will always be people who dun give a hoot to u. or just dun bother to think abt u. they will just drag u along or expect u to conform to their wishes but not going to delve into that. :) we as muslims do need to stand firm and sometimes patiently explain to our non-muslim friends abt certain stuffs. and when they just dun give a hoot abt it, we still need to stand firm. picture this, isnt it retarded that meeting time can be postponed because some people want to have lunch/dinner with their family but it cant be postponed because u want to do ur prayers? there is always pluses. the sheer potential and joy to know understand each other's family, each others customs is undescribable. and of course, that can only happen when both sides are genuinely interested in doing that. i remember the time when i went to waimeng's house to study (or was it just to play games) and his mother took the extra effort to buy halal chicken rice though i was like the only malay in the house. and the time i went to ben's house for his housewarming though i was very much reluctant to go. because i know i am the only malay he has invited. and i do not want his parents to go the extra mile for me. but i went nonetheless because another friend do not know the way. so his mum was quite in a fluster because she do not know whether i can eat whatever is served though there is like no pork there. i assured his mum i am fine, yet she insisted to go down and buy nasi briyani for me. i felt so so bad! and that bitch just give me his impassive face. bitch = ben. sometimes i do understand why many malays dun really make friends with chinese. or go to their house. one of the taboo topic will be the dogs. i was like that too until recently. i threatened to kicked doris if she comes anywhere near me. doris = ben's chihuahua. of course doris found me attractive and keep on 'hovering' around me like a fly. the most conservative muslims will not even touch a dog. the so called moderate ones will just take care in not touching the saliva if they ever have to touch a dog. but someone who understand their religion will actually find that its perfectly ok to mingle around with dogs. of course u cant keep one for no reason. there are many pluses. and my juices has run out. i am glad to have those guys as my good friends. and i love them. my best friend is sick again. the poor thing is frequently sick! just stay put in sg. Friday, November 05, 2004 was thinking thru a scenario. there was a father with 2 children. both sons, aged 10 and 9. he lived with the 10yr old son and he loves the son very much. due to some circumstances, the 9yr old son doesnt live with him. but they are still close and the father bring out the kid often for meals and movies. so come a day when the 10yr old son discovered that there will be some sort of WinnieThePooh musical coming to the country. thinking that it will be a nice change to watch winnie the pooh, the son asked his dad, "Daddy, i ask u for something, will u do it for me?" the father smiled cheekily and replied, "Now now, what is it that u want?" "err.. shall we go watch WinnieThePooh? they are coming here!" the son answered softly. "WHAT!!!!!!!!!" the father thundered! "u expect me to spend $150 just to watch a stupid act? i got better things to do!" needless to say, the son was speechless. sad. humiliated. he never expected his father to reply so strongly. but being an understanding boy he is, he decided not to persist and just walk away. after sometime, the father noticed the sadness on the son's face and decided to watch the act for his sake. but the son refused politely and the father didnt pursue the episode. about more than a week later, the father took the younger son out for lunch. the elder son didnt follow since he got some homework. while resting, he received an sms from the father. "i watching WinnieThePooh with your brother. Friend booked already. go for dinner yourself k" --------------- was wondering the emotions of the older kid. was it fair for him? after all, he asked the father nicely abt it. should he feel anything abt it anyway? the father was at least being truthful to the kid. so i guess time heal all wounds. the kid should seek solace in the fact that the father still loves him. -------------------------------------------------------------- didn plan to write the scenario above in the first place. it just came to mind. i do not have any festive mood this year. i do not know why, but i just dun feel festive. not buying any baju kurung, not buying any new footwear. not buying anything new at all. maybe i've reached a stage where hari raya is just another holiday? *shrugs* i mentioned a few times that i am looking forward to next year. so many things i planned. so many dreams. so many possibilities. i guess writing it down will help me prioritise. - start career - going phuket, company convention - taking up rockclimbing - taking up Muay Thai - learning piano - go for a short trip somewhere in march - supposed to go Canada mid year with the diva * - cousin's wedding - ext degree enrolment - involved in goosey's mosque - widen social circle interlude : my youngest brother is running around terrorising the other siblings, eliciting shouts and cries from them and here i am trying hard to suppress this damn blue feeling i am having. stared at him for quite sometime, almost stood up from my seat to grab something, just something to beat the hell out of him. *sigh* god. i didnt do it. just a stare. i think there is still some stuffs i left out. cant seem to remember what is it. have to discuss with the diva abt the canada trip. i keep changing where exactly i want to go. places like, new zealand, switzerland, new york, los angeles are some that have crossed my mind. fickle i tell u. but the alps seems to be a good place eh. have to absolutely widen my social circles. reason is obvious. if circle A doesnt want to watch what i want to watch, i can go to circle B. ahh make that, widen my ALTERNATIVE social circles. so childish. *shrugs* as it is, its so difficult to watch a movie which I WANT TO watch with someone. even had to go to the extend of watching it alone. then again, i seem to have forgotten how enjoyable it can actually be to be by yourself. u are born on this earth alone anyway. why the rockclimbing and muay thai? well thats stuffs which i have always wanted to do but never got the will to get around to do it. but i think this time round, i will just have enough incentives to do it. for once, i already have a prospective rockclimbing partner. learning the piano. sigh. i fear the desire to learn this, is just due to someone. but i do love to listen to handel's pieces. sigh. will update again later. my juices have run out. Thursday, November 04, 2004 under intense pressure to keep on updating everyday! let me see. well, i changed the colour yet again in conjunction with the festive season. finding nice ketupat pics to put up cos some quarters are complaining that this site is too minimalist! tsk today was the last of the physio course. gonna miss it truth be told. the bitch kept asking me, "u dun want to say goodbye to ur admirers?" heh. of course i didnt. but i did strike a conversation with the malay medic in the bus. chatted, exchanged numbers, and emails. a good catch for the girls seriously. hero-hindustan features. but of course he is only 18. :) nothing much for today seriously. caught amin online. that guy really changed after netting himself a teacher. haha. he now give me advices on love! and even offered to intro some girls to me. and not to mention we had a double date deal. told him to intro his sis to me. he refused!! his diplomatically correct answer was, "i dun like to interfere in her affairs" before saying that i am the islamic version of a 'player'. haha that gentleman is in love. truly madly deeply eh. hmm thats all for today i guess. Wednesday, November 03, 2004 PINK: Love, friendship, compassion, relaxation. Pink is symbolic of gentle emotions and of emotional unions. It's less intense then red. i am having monday blues on a wednesday. earlier on, only slept around 4 before waking up at around 11.30. cant sleep. basically thinking abt stuffs. and when i cant sleep, i grab some books to read and the 'fortunate' book to be picked by me earlier is, SweetValleyHigh-SecretDiaryVolume1. well, my sister's book. so sue me. one of the prophet's sayings, "...Love anyone u want but beware, u will have to separate from the person....." sigh how true. dreading it every moment. every day. although it will like happen only few months away. then again, i dread abt ORD-ing a few months back. yeah, idiotic. me dreading to ORD? and a disclaimer, i use the word 'love' generously and i dare say some dun even know who i am referring abt. is it her? is it some other friends? some other girls? ahhhhh was sad. it was a losing battle anyway. cant really hope for the person to make such a big sacrifice. coming to terms with it. haha i will mope around for a few days, read books, slowly drifting away. and yeah, virtual miles will start to materialise before actual miles separate us. its an emotional buffer. but ur chosen path, is what u should pursue. and as ur friend, i will come to terms with it. drama. i am a crybaby. i walk forward, my steps slow, looking over my shoulder into the past. waiting by phones and at airport my steps halt frozen in time. i do feel more light-hearted after the dinner yesterday. i do not know whether she dropped any hints. but i sure did. many hints. many mind games and in retrospect although i know that is very evil of me, i still think i am absolved of all blames. well, a man had to do what a man had to do u know. can i picture myself with her? yes. can she picture herself with me? i dont know. what will i do if she chose me? heh, i will be elated. but its all dreams right now. she asked, what i will call her if we are a couple, i replied, 'dear lah'. and she asked what she should called me? err my name ah. and i added, i dun like girls to be too mushy to me. stupid narfirus! what were u thinking? ass. sigh. he asked me, he liked to ask me alot which-will-never-happen questions, if he stayed, and he and her needed me at the same time how? i replied robustly what i will do. explaining myself and all that. an exercise of futility. he will go. an independent, single minded person he is. will live with it. will deal with all the aftermath of that. aftermath, a very strong word. *shrugs* am quite excited and looking forward to next yr. alot of promise, alot of things waiting to happen. and of cos, a few identified sad things. very sad things. his imminent departure. her not doing what i expected her to do. sad, but will come to terms with it. like i've said, many new things to try out. career, studies to pursue. am i deluding myself? heh. a man got to do what man got to do ya. stop moping. going to granny's later. got that physio course tomorrow. and i am still in my 'monday-blues' mood. sigh. Tuesday, November 02, 2004 tired earlier during the day, the bitch called me while he was dating. with his mum. told me to look at today's edition of Digital life and brought me attention to sth he wanted for his next yr's birthday present. of cos he said, think like me and u will find it. i shouted at him when i realised what it was. he quickly put down the phone after saying, "i dun care! i wannttttttttttt!" haha after that, he msg-ed me and whined. yeah whined! its the latest ipod. the colour screened one. it cost nearly $900 for a 40GB ipod. the audacity of him. goodness. will think abt it. no doubt he has given me alot but a $900 present??? and came the nice surprise. she msg-ed me to break fast together. so off we went to Siam's kitchen. and girls being girls, ordered quite a lot of food. and she whined abt it being hot. its thai cuisine. u cant expect the tom yam soup to taste like a cream of chicken right? haha. nice food btw. and nice setting. was seated quite strategically facing the mirrors. yeah vincent's vice is rubbing on me! but i commented to her that the lighting is good. and she asked why? i answered, it makes US look good. lol *shrugs* went to shop for her raisins and almond. hari raya season u know. and sat at coffee bean and chat for like 2 hrs. rebutted every single thing she spouted out. haha i love it. and i did sth which i totally didn plan. play mind games. ahaha i AM the wak yoda u know. then again, i did that in a spectator-best friend-objective mode. so ya. thats my defense. well, all i've said IS the truth! now i am back. tired. yeah 2hrs of like debating and rebutting intelligently with impromtu examples and metaphors IS very tiring. but i will sleep knowing i at least did it. Monday, November 01, 2004 it has been raining heavily these past few days. went to suntec with vincent. to walk walk, see see, look look. and this big baby never failed to amaze me with his cheekiness. upon reaching city hall mrt, he claimed he wanted to go peninsula and i was like, "what the f!... its so far away from suntec" but he persisted and i was nagging non stop! only to find out that all he wanted to do was to take the shuttle bus to suntec. that bugger. of cos that made his day. so we walked, look at shoes, tried out some clothes at G2000 and check out the new adidas boutique which was a letdown though it was claimed that its the biggest adidas boutique in the region! off we went to the car shop which is a staple whenever vincent goes to town or suntec. and he sulked and pouted looking at the cars. after which, we went to carrefour and checked out the keyboards and cheap pianos. he taught me how to 'play' the piano/keyboard with a piece that he claimed was composed by him. so we were there for like 1/2 hr. me trying to make my fingers flexible and he coaching me impatiently. in any case, i am always amazed by his musical talent. for a bitch like him, he is a very good piano player! i think i want to learn how to play it. yeah seems cool eh. then he bought some stuffs at the grocery section before going to kfc. he eating, me sitting there. in normal cases, i will never go to an eating establishment during a fasting day. even got into a big fight with him over that once when we went to ikea and he got the audacity to tell me to help him buy a hotdog! goodness. but i decided to just keep quiet, and accompany him. i cant expect him to be sensitive to me when its me whois fasting and he is not. we then talked and yes, lately the OB (out of bound) markers between us has been slowly eradicated. had a good chat, delving into each other's psyche. we went to some gift shop and that bitch was turning on his charm full blast at the salesgirl by asking her all sorts of questions abt the precious thots figurines giving her the impression that we are a pair of very good prospective buyers. haha and i cant believe that i played along with him. that bitch! then again, i am sure the salesgirl had a good time explaining it to us. psychological thingy u know, make the girl feel wanted. haha. earlier during the day, we were at selarang camp for the 3rd day of our physio course. its kinda our ORD present from our dear MO. haha. it was fun nonetheless. bitching and learning at the same time. and of course not to mention the futile attempts we had trying to wax each other legs with the physio taping. and he insisted that there is a 3GD medic who keep looking at me. sheesh. then i spotted another guy who was also glancing towards us. we were bitching on the phone! how does that work? well i typed what i wanted to say and gave my hp to him and he will reply on the same hp. yeah 2 guys bitching. then i increased the tally of guys who have a crush on me to 3. caught another malay medic glancing at me/us too! woohoooo i am quite popular. no its not that i didn unzip or anything, i was wearing pt shorts. so yeah. of course i think they were just looking at us because we are the noisiest pair in the physio room. there is no need to know why we were very 'active'. i have a friend whois going to australia for 3yrs to study. tried to talk that person out of it. well, why do u need to go there when u can just take the course in sg, FT or PT. isnt that better? and of cos, i cant bear to part with the person. how can? 3yrs leh! so ya, if the person is reading this, stay in sg ya. then God willing, we can just go to adelaide every half a year. consider it. got an email to write. but have yet to form the words coherently to portray my point. sigh. how ah?