i had a funny idea. to pen this entry in malay. but i decided not to because i realised that my malay really sucks. sigh.
this gonna be a week worth of entry. if my train of thoughts flows smoothly, it will be.
i had the craving for onde-onde since i was in lancer. of course my first thought is to get granny to make it for me. somehow or rather, i cant get myself to ask her to do it, so i finally decided to make it myself on that fateful monday.
onde-onde is basically a very simple dish to make. u need, glutinous rice flour, palm sugar (gula melaka), grated coconut, colouring and of course boiling water. bloody simple and i was confident of making a good job out of it. so i went to buy the ingredients and started doing it while my mum cooked lunch. of course my mum was also confident of me!
so i mix the flour with water. and i somehow mix too much water. mum take a look at it and shook her head.
mum : "pergi beli lagi satu paket ah"
me : "ok.. kasi ah duit"
mum : (went to her room, i followed, and she took her purse) "tepung pulut kan?
me : "Apa tepung pulut? tepung beras kape!" (still confident)
mum : " tepung pulut lah! siapa ajar pakai tepung beras?
me : "Ayus tengok nenek pakai tepung beras kape! ni dalam buku pun taruk tepung beras.. " (took Asma Laili's cookbook and showed mum only to realise that its not rice flour of course)
mum : "tak caya tepon nenek.."
me : "alah mama lah tepon!"
of course granny said its glutinous rice. and i was so paiseh. grandma provided the solution, the watery flour mix becomes the ingredient for bubur som-som instead.
so my mum make the bubur som-som, and i made my onde-onde after i got the correct flour this time round. and monday, i was blissfully contented to be able to get to eat 2 desserts.
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did nothing much during my forced block leave. just basically stay at home and watch tv and look after my brother. sent him to sch, fetch him back. going on for 4 days.
one of the days, the devil took over me.
i was actually quite pissed and worried at the state of my siblings' sch work. in particular, my brother's. he cant even spell malay words confidently and in accordance to syllables. so i made him to continuously spell the words over and over again at the top of his voice. it went on for the whole evening. and if he made a stupid mistake, sth which i considered a mistake anyway, i will cane him. and he got a mighty good amt of canings i must say. like 3-4 yrs worth maybe.
until my mum cant take it and quarrelled with me.
like i've said, the devil took over me.
and like many instances where the devil took over u, he will depart and say, "verily i am afraid of Allah my Maker."
so i felt pity and remorse at night. especially looking at him sleeping. a young kid which is forced by his surroundings to grow up beyond his years.
what can i do? shelter him from those influences and variables. and i sort of abused him? even told the diva that if the police were to come, they will charged me for child abuse. and the diva actually answered, he supported me because those kids need to know who's boss! idiot.
i am just such a softie. so long i've succeeded to just keep the anger in check, say things only when i need to say it and basically just think before u do sth.
i thank my granny for quelling the anger in me. it was quite a patient and indirect therapy from an old woman. to think she actually chased after my uncle with a bowl of mashed chilli during her younger athletic days when she got to know my uncle said the word 'babi'. what happened to the bowl of chilli? spread all over my uncle's face of course. a hot-blooded woman chasing after a teenage boy. imagine that!
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sth cropped up. sth which is basically not of my shoulders' capacity to handle. but i know for sure that i have to do sth abt it.
why? because its Allah's command.
enjoin the good and forbid evil.
*sigh*
I pray for His help.
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waimeng sms-ed me yesterday. i have no idea whats his real motive. its either to really ask abt me cos i havent contacted him for abt 2 months or to ask abt joyce's number. so i called him at night.
and we talked. chatting with ur old friends is always good. especially we are really best buddies during sec sch.
we reminisce abt those exorbitant and nonsensical dreams we always share and how we have changed compared to us 8 yrs back.
and both of us agreed that no matter who the friends we met along the way, its the sec sch group which is the best.
how true.
i dun really have to tell him my likes and dislikes. he knows what sets me off, and basically i can just be myself.
thats a friend of 8 yrs.
someone who share weal and woe together. if u actually consider failing a test and not doing a homework, weal and woe.
in fact, i think only with him i've actually cried. only once of course. but i did. ok sorry. make that twice.
God. i actually cried twice in front of his presence. i wonder whether he remembered.
compared that to new friends. u just do not have the time to go through all those tests and experiments. no time to learn and share. different dynamics.
but of course, be more discerning, observe more and u can basically see which is clay, which is crystal. sometimes even the most mundane and trivial activity can paint the real picture of someone. its those moments which the real person is being portrayed, not the facade which he/she wants to portray.
and if u can actually tolerate and close an eye to the ugly image being shown, then u can take it a step further.
another question then arise, why should u just turn a blind eye to it in favour of the facade which was so successfully painted and portrayed? be true to thyself.
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i can never imagine that the soft-spoken and shy waimeng will eventually do the job that he is doing now.
he agreed and he said that he thought he wanted to do sth different to his life.
and he has been adamant and persistent in persuading me to be with him doing the same stuff.
i myself never imagined that i will be working as that. like i've told some friends, my dream job is to be an academician.
sigh.
so many variables to think of. some which i have to choose and decide and ruminate over several coffee sessions. some which i have to just let go and treat it as such, fleeting moments. some which i have let go and just have to find a burial place.
an eventful few months ahead.
yet i can seek solace in the realisation that there are people out there who will stand by me if only i can place my priorities and heart right.