tired. whats new.

i've been playing the good guy role for the past few days. in fact i have been very hyper and seem to be in a bubbly trance. bitching, smiling and saying positive things abt anything. being very supportive to a colleague who seemed to be quite burned. giving inputs and advices for his presentation skills and stuffs.

on sat, i turned to be a motivator cum counselor. i injected some hope and encouragement to a close bmt mate who is under alot of stress due to his responsibilities. inevitably, i did his financial planning.

from then on, i realised, i really loved the nature of my job. i plan, i track, i inspire, i recommend what people do with their money. really, without money, how can u lead a life? its bullshit to those who say u dun need to have loads of money to be happy. of cos. but when u are stricken with cancer and it becomes prolonged, when ur assets and savings dwindled, when ur relatives shun u, tell the whole world u dun need money to live happily.

so it is damn demoralising when people shun u. in fact they have no reason to shun u. when i think abt it in a neutral mood, i blame those vultures at the public spaces for harrassing people to such a point they shun us. and more often than not, they didn do a comprehensive job with their clients. part of my job is to educate and advocate.

if they educated their clients comprehensively abt the importance of financial planning, i really do not see any reason why someone would want to shun a financial planner. all the more the client would be interested to meet another adviser to know what he can do with his planning.

sigh.

having said all this, it is really demoralising when ur friends shun u even before u attempt to help them. i told my manager. its always the first step i am afraid of. if the first step is cleared, i can do a good job completing the sales cycle. i am confident of it.

this job really unearth and illuminates who is ur friend. who is not. a friend do not need to be so sceptical. to immediately draw the curtains. honestly, i do not gain anything by pushing thru my services to them. and for god's sake, it is not even them who pay me. and like what my manager shared with me. its my mindset. call and talk to them with the mentality to help. that they will benefit. at the end of the day, u lose nothing, but they gain alot of things. rejection is what u will get, but never give up on urself.

a friend supports. he/she would love to see u succeed. he/she might not directly contribute to it. but he/she will show in some ways how a friend should behave. the paradox of life.

i am just so pissed with her. have been calling for days. weeks in fact. and when she picked up, she is always in the middle of a meeting. what happened to the rest of the hours in a day when she is not in a meeting? her phone do not show missed calls? do not show messages from me? heh. all in the day of a life of a busy young lady i guess.

so she rejected my call just now and she messaged that she is in a meeting. i replied asking for her address. she asked whether i am getting married and that she will give it to me later.

so when she sms-ed later, and keep on asking why i need the address for, i just told her to give me and was being a bit spiteful by saying,
"contact lee hsien loong is much easier than contacting u. can u just give me ur address?"

"WTF! i am dead beat and i have to read ur nonsense? da la"

"Ok never mind then. sorry for disturbing. take care"

was more of being in a sombre plus cant-be-bothered mood. and i really cant be bothered. as far as i am concerned, i wont contact her again. maybe she got what i wanna convey so she did reply back with her address.

that was 2 close friends who proved to be people who u shouldn even bother abt. in fact, if i passed away, they wont know unless my family put my picture in the obituary section.

i have been observing people's actions, words, body language etc, for the past few days. in fact, for as long as i can remember. and i reciprocate in kind. if i think the person is worth to be shown kindness, i will go the extra step. if he is not worth it, i will just be courteous.

even when i met my bruneian friend and the other friend, though i was yawning away, trivial things dun escape my notice. like bothering to be pissed by the customer service. bitching abt the sheesha being slow to be delivered. asking for the charcoal. fussing abt food and stuffs. making sure i wont miss the last bus. etc etc etc. its quite a nice change to be fussed abt.

was quite blue just now. msg a friend to ask what is he doing. i wanted to ask him to give some nice words to keep me going. instead he presented me with a dilemma. advised him back in my trademark bitching way. i hope the opportunity presented to him is grabbed and he gets what he has always wanted badly.

and what originally was supposed to be me asking for comfort turns out to be me dishing out comfort.

i am destined to be a care-giver. to spread love.

who am i kidding?

-------------------

if its too long, keep ur comments to urself. who gives a damn to what u think?

just reached home.

not exactly tired. but will be sleeping soon. i need the rest. been yawning when i meet friends!

met my bruneian friend. these bruneians, especially those who worked for the govt are just so rich man! couple that with lots of perks. he gotta stay in Royal Crowne Plaza for free. cafe vienna for free. tsk. perks perks and more perks! apartment behind wheelock courtesy of His Royal Majesty. goodness.

and he offered to put me up in brisbane if the june trip to australia materialise. thats so cool. dunno whether i will take up his offer.

walked ard abit with another bruneian. before i walked away for another appointment. i am supposed to find that damn cute figurine which i saw yesterday. what stupid thing is it that u display the figurines but said its not for sale and told me to find it in yahoo auctions instead!

anyway, walked abit, before my friend sms-ed to say he cant meet me for our planned sheesha. sheesh. no matter, collected my card and contemplated to just go home.

but nothing to do at home. so went bugis. searched for the figurine again. zilch. had dinner, before he called asking whether i still wanna meet. so waited for awhile.

finally met him at arab street. he ordered his hmmm i cant remember what he ordered. i ordered my strawberry. cool eh. been years since i last had sheesha. shared some stuffs he should know. and we just talked.

he confessed sth he lied abt but not really his fault. and i finally asked him, whether he trimmed his eyebrows by himself or professionaly. wahaha the bugger denied he trimmed it. who can fool the bitch? i just smiled and put on a thinking expression. i asked again a few minutes later. he denied! i smiled. and he said, IRRITATING!

of course, i won. he admitted but was quick to say, "my friend did for me one! she forced me! i dun like ok!" haha. yeah of course.

so finally he showed me his magic tricks. fluid man! i just cant understand how single minded someone can be to master a magic trick fluidly. i wont even try to attempt it.

time passed so quickly. separate ways we went. and another full day in the office tmrw.

sth jonathan highlighted to me makes me so so excited. heh.

in any case. there is sth which in any normal day would have pissed me to no end. but was struggling mightily to keep a light mood. succeeded to a pt. being pissed sometimes doesnt help. and the cheek to be angry at me instead! whilst the fault wasnt mine.

so will just cut and paste.

"Bascially a bitch. Hahaha. Cant help but to critisize anything that i see unfit to the surroundings. .......................................................................diecast types. Will continue to hint .............................................................
Hates people to hide things from me. Cus i will eventually find out. And when i do..thats it. Worst past is when they still try to deny it. If someone is dissatisfied with me..just voice it out..no point hiding. WTF!! kkk...Will update more soon................................ "

no need to type so much. no improvement.

i am so fucking pissed. terribly and absolutely pissed. FUCKING PISSED is the word. why is it so difficult to ask for help from people?

my mum is the subject of my ire this time.

have been asking her for her friends' contacts. cos i need it to do this particular phase of target selling. simple. i just need those women and maybe their husbands to invest their CPF special account in my company's investment-linked products.

first she said her friends busy. then she said she dun keep most of her friends' contacts. then she said she is not that close with most of the women. fine. i just asked her for some of the contacts she kept. she gave me two. good enough. but i didn manage to contact them for one reason or the other.

so finally this week there is no reason for her to refuse me. i asked her to fix appointments for me. bad choice.

there is nothing difficult abt fixing appointments with ur close colleagues and which will not cost them a single cent. i am not going to sell them any regular premium products for goodness sake. i did her case. i am targetting investment products. using ur cpf funds. what the damn fuck is so difficult abt that concept?!

yet, she was so reluctant to do it for me. and she chose a bad prospect for me too. so half-hearted. even treat it as if i am selling some MLM products. was damn fucking pissed. but i kept quiet. even my 3rd sister said, "the way mama said, who wants to meet u?!"

that is fine. i asked her to fix another appt with another friend. and again a flurry of excuses came. her friends all stingy lah. all not close lah.

what the fucking hell man!

i am getting them to use their cpf accounts. special account some more. a fund of money which u absolutely cannot use except for investment. what is the fucking difficult part abt that?! not as if i am gonna sell savings product or what not. and the worse part is, i did her case for her. what has stinginess gotta do with anything abt cpf investment?

needless to say, i am damn pissed.
i told her straight. if that is how u gonna say it, thank u very much. no need.
and i said it in a very pissed tone of course. and i dun really care.

so damn fucking hard to ask for help from ur own relations.
all i needed was referral.
i am ur blood relation for fuck's sake!
my success will translate to ur own well-being!
cant she even think abt that?
i cant be bothered.
i am totally not gonna give her any money next month.
i will pay for my internet bill. and thats all.
eat ikan bilis for all i care.

and fuck the wall to whoever is appalled by my entry.

--------------------------------------------------------

i am really disillusioned.
damn tired.
didn even concentrate at the sharing session this morning.

then i got a message.
"faizal wants me to lend him $100"
i replied, "No."

he got a serious problem of getting back the money he loan to his friends. i have seen how pissed he became when those people came up with all sorts of reasons for not paying. even evading. so i forbid him to become a loanshark.

but i relented. even offered to transfer the money he safekeep with me so that he can lend it to that friend.

and i told him, "if u want to lend to people, first be prepared that u will not get that amt of money back. treat it as charity. money is a source of relationship wrecker."

u talked so much. u argued so much. no use. 1st, its basically none of ur business to delve and dictate other's private life. 2nd, whatever u said may be to another's best interest but if he does not want to listen, whats the use?

and the stupid part is, this incident contributed heavily to me having a bad morning. POSB and Cineleisure contributed another substantial portion. will write abt it another day.

love urself firus. love urself.

----

whilst i was in the conference room, while jonathan was sharing a case study, my mind actually wandered off. it just did.

it just showed how mentally fatigued i am.

i was wallowing in self-pity. heh. whats new eh.

was asking myself, how sad can u be? how nice could it have been if u can share ur woes and joy with the person u love everyday. come back from work. have dinner. hot cocoa and share ur day with ur loved one. mutual interest abt each other's affairs.

sigh.

now, all the stress is pent up. listened to the ipod during the journey back. helped a bit. bathe. even the lavendar shower foam helped no more nowadays. blog-hopping. asked my close friends how they are doing. maintaining that substance. read any books or magazine i can lay my hands upon. read sth positive. read mantras, maxims, quotes. all in a bid to try to sleep with a positive mind. the brain is suggestible so jonathan said.

someone asked, why didn i just let it out. share it with someone? dun keep it inside!

heh

should i just called somebody or sms anybody and start yakking how my day went? the person isnt interested in the first place. if he/she is, he/she would have asked u right? furthermore, my days so far have been stress laden. with setbacks coming thick and furious. and success and joy are all but momentary. yet, should i be calling my friends everyday and complained?

sigh.

very tired.

again, i pity myself for having no one showing concern for me the way i showed concern to my friends.

confucius said, do unto others how u want others do unto u.

i am still practising that old man.

got appointments cancelled at quite the last minute. bummer. pissed? angry? but not really.. quite expect it to happen.

the bitch just dun wanna commit to a date. so what to do. lucky the other bitch was free. so we went out.

he die-die refused to tell me what he had to do at dhoby ghaut. yet, sth he said gave him away. i probed, and cajoled but he pre-empted me at every turn. he perfected that art.

i knew though. in fact i know he needed sth which i had and he doesnt. so i casually told him i can offer it to him. heh.

and so i manage to tag along with him to do his thing rather than go town separately which is spastic.

so we toured the building twice. sat for awhile. him contemplating whether he should follow the plan through. and finally he did. i hope he will find success in it. i am behind u all the way ya. u owe me 40cents. i dun care!

*interjection*
"..... i do not want anything abt ur enjoyment with ben!..."
*tsk*

so today, i managed to force down my choice down his throat. in fact several things. i just told him, lets do this. "ok lor". he was quite docile *yes u were*

and we watched SHALL WE DANCE. either that or ALFIE. he meekly said he actually wanted to watch Elektra. which i replied, too bad, watched it. he gave me the look. and i rebutted, what? u watched MEET THE FOCKERS without me too! case closed.

*i got the feeling this entry is fast becoming too teenage girly kinda broken english entry. sue me!*

so we bought the tickets. and the bloody supervisor charged $177 to my master before he voided it. idiot! we went to some jap restaurant since we got time to kill. and we attacked the sashimi of cos. quite fun eating buffet with the self proclaimed japanese cuisine guru. before he told me that we forgot to do sth!

guess what?

we forgot to switch on our pink alert system!

woohoooo the enjoyment starts then. and incidentally, there were a table of pinkies diagonally across us! we proceeded to discuss the affluence of the pinkies. and him continually asking whether they are checking me out!

we came up with a codeword for them.

the show was good actually. very good in fact. abt a staid lawyer who wanted to find sth he could enjoy. and its thru dancing. now i wonder what can i do which is out of the box?

walked around after the show. pink scouting. before finally settling down at coffee club express.

he continued to rant abt a bad experience.

all in all, a nice day. i am getting fat!

i am trying very hard to practise what jonathan taught me.
the brain is suggestible.

duh. i know that. but its so hard to do it.

the strain is really unbearable. slowly, i am beginning to experience those life stories that others have been telling me. keep on telling myself, u can do it! still, the tide of blu-ness came back rushing in the void which i have just cleared with self motivating words.

and again, when u expect those close to u to be there to support u, u are made to feel as if u are in e middle of the ocean with not even a log to hold on to.

was in the bus and stoning. didn bring my ipod so no avenue of escape. was really stoning. staring into space. when sth jonathan said flashed into my mind. compelling reasons.

what were my compelling reasons? what made me do this? was as my granny's, looking at my brother. got this habit of comparing his 'aura' to others of his age. and sth which my aunts and uncle said pissed me off though i kept a stoned face. and i resolved to shut them up. not literally of course. apparently, that resolve wasnt strong enough. until i was in the bus of course.

so what were my compelling reasons? i really have to write it down. laminate it. paste it wherever i might be seeing it. i need that to keep me going. keep me sane.

was reminded of what my friend said. abt me finding my own life. my own path. but its so difficult. often, i just feel like giving up. do what is fast becoming the norm. and often i just want to let it out. to a sympathetic ear who will listen, not judge, prop u up and say, "look firus, its ok. etc etc etc etc etc.. now maybe u can do this?... etc etc etc etc etc etc etc..." at least i still have someone to run to when things seems so blue.

and yes, sometimes, its very disheartening to know that those u treasure doesnt really need u. u need them more than they need u.

salaam aidiladha.

I am so enamoured (dunno whether its the right word for this context) by the sheer words this particular friend of mine spurt out yesterday. He seemed to have grown wiser, deeper and more mature in such span of time which i am totally oblivious to. Having said that, i find it fitting to reproduce what he said here, for my own benefit.

".....

Come on.. U dun need a doc.. U need to be able to enjoy life even when humans are not there for u. Like u always say, frens can only do limited stuffs. So y depend totally on them. Learn to enjoy life personally. Onli den u'll see the wonders of ur life. Of course without a doubt, i do feel lonely sometimes without my frens ard. But tis is ur life, No one's responsible 4 it but u. Besides, God's ur companion if u really need 1. Do sth on ur own to spice it up!

I've experienced what u faced. In fact, i'm dead sure every human has this. But it takes one self to find the true u n also to see life isnt a bed of roses, but ! it can be better than a bed of rose if u urself can spur urself to enjoy instead of letting life wither away and regret when life's beyond enjoyment. I love my life! but its flawed and i wont let tat be my stumbling block against whats more awaiting me!

....."

told someone i missed the time when we were back in camp. those night sessions. where we talked, and bitched. and sometimes, really talked.

slowly but surely, the frequency and the level of closeness, i noticed, is dissipating.

of course, since i realised it, i took steps and try to maintain things as how it once was.

yet, as in any new next phase of development in life, new dynamics set in. when u are tired cos of work, and stress factors in, its hard to just be the active party who keeps on trying. u just yearn to have that frequent and impromtu acts which brings smile to ur face. and i am a staunch believer of doing the small things frequently rather than once in a while kinda 'events'.

--

was again surprised by the sheer scheming someone can actually have.

was shocked, remorse when i realised what was actually planned. like i said, i do not look for such acts of luxury. its the small stuffs which matters.

i am sure we have different cliche of friends. those friends who we contact frequently albeit, almost everyday. some we just set maybe, once a mth gathering where we just splurge on a meal or sth. those we just put on festival-cards list. etc etc.

and i do not want to be on a mth-ly splurging kinda list.

--

i do not know whether to be happy or otherwise.

in fact, i do feel the acute sense of loneliness. that level of intimacy is just gone. and the funny part is, the person was beside me.

there is this feeling of just having so so much to say. yet, when face-to-face, as much as i want to blurt it out, i just cant.

i do not know why.

--

i am a very conservative person. in fact when i reflect, reminisce, i am just shocked at how out of the box i sometimes am with regard to certain things.

and i did sth which is shocking to myself just now.

its the person.

i still do not know whether i did the right thing. whether the act was appreciated.

its the person.

sometimes i just feel i've lose it.

--

went to punggol for an appointment before meeting my sec sch friends at holland v.

it was waimeng's bday and that guy was actually sad he is a year older. funny. didn really had the chance to have a talk with him. another day perhaps.

italian meal. which i think is just pricey and not worth it.

coffee bean with them before joycelyn finally showed up!

boy i missed that tomboy and it had been several years since i last met her.

finally i made a move at ard 10.30. just too lazy to take the bus. cab it was.

sigh.

--

this is sth which i should have posted several days back. as it is still playing in my mind, here goes.

a case study. same complaint. 2 different outcomes.

- forlorn, tired and stressed, said sth like this "i am so tired. so stressed with work."

outcome A, "i told u right?! why u choose this job? cant u like work in sth more stable?!" u explained again why u didnt.

outcome B, "Dun worry. All headstarts are always impossible to be smooth going. Look for the long term rewards. Persevere!"

responses from 2 real human beings.

sometimes, u just shouldn bother.
despite ur complaints and all that u said to make things better, things are still the same. so let it be.
the ridiculous part is, after u telling what should be done and what steps to take to make things better, the message wasnt drilled into the skull and the audacity is still there to blame u for things.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
as in simple financial mantra, u should not put ur eggs in just one basket. if u have many eggs, put it in a diversified basket (portfolio) so that any unwanted impact will be cushioned.
after breakfast, it dawned upon me that this simple fact is applicable to other aspects of life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when u least expect it, some simple acts of kindness were shown to u. and because u least expect it, it made ur day when u get such acts coming ur way.

take life as it is.

live well. be kind.

to urself and to others.

my uncle, the second eldest, my mum's brother in law, his wife being my mum's 2nd eldest sister, passed away this morning of a cerebral haemorrhage.

the last time i saw him was during 1st day hari raya.

the last time the rest of the family saw him was yesterday when they sent another uncle at the airport for his pilgrimage.

when mum told me that my late uncle was in a weird state, akin to someone who was being put a spell upon, i was quite shocked. he was reputed not to be in his jovial talkative self, no longer recognising people and talking to himself. was really shocked.

my late uncle is a very popular guy. it really showed when alot of his friends turned up for the funeral service just now.

again, i wasnt really affected. and didn really cry. but when i saw my cousins crying, especially my 2 beloved girl cousins crying, i was saddened. especially this particular cousin, saw her reading yasin, and staring into space. saw my elder male cousin sobbing when we put the 'pacai' (i think). was sad for them. i didn get the chance to speak to my male cousins, but i consoled the girls.

when the angel of Death comes knocking, there is no stopping. our life is not really ours. do good, be kind, and be a service to others.

May Allah place his soul among the righteous. May He shower His mercy and forgiveness upon his soul. Amiin.

--------------------------------------------

my mum is a very weird woman.

seriously.

she is endowed with this weird sense of public relations.

picture this.

among all my aunties, my elder cousins are closest to her.

my future cousins-in-law love her.

she actually sit together and chatted with all the mats and minahs rugged, friends of my cousins during the 'kenduri'.

she is not a minah during her younger days yet, the rugged youngsters take to her and like to chat with her. likewise, she will chat with them and seldom make them feel unwanted.

i think she could have been a successful social worker.

-------------------------------------------------------

just finished chatting with her.

reminisce abt late uncle.

Innalillahi waInna ilaihi rojiun.











another one. true survey.

You Are the Helper

2 You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

What number are you?

i just feel like doing those quizzes to see myself. this particular one really portrays me.

You Are a Retrospective Soul

The most misunderstood of all the soul signs. Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are. You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life. You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes. For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present. You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life. Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

the first thing that waimeng said when he saw me was,

"why u look so tired?!"

sigh.

just an hr worth of meeting. worth it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

the appt went well. and thank God for that.

again, my manager showed how much he cared for both our well-being.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

my cousins were all busy.

felt that acute sense of loneliness after the appt.

lucky i have my music to accompany me.

finally called waimeng and he suggested coffee.

we had milo and twisted fries instead.

sigh.

am i that pathetic?

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla




my colleague and i. using another colleague's hp ;)

basically, a nice day.

met a very good friend. and we had fun just by talking, eating cheesecake and coffee.

i proposed to him the idea that a relationship is self-serving. if each party doesnt get what he/she wanted out of the r-s, it wont progress. he agreed.

some plans were also made.

shared some stuffs i read and experienced.

totally appreciated the session and a great de-stressing event for me.

god knows how stressed and burdened i was.

thanks.

i need this kind of stuffs to keep me sane.

high.

-----

its a wonder that a full day of meeting on work is much less taxing than a full day meeting regarding the youth wings in singapore.

and thats how i felt. the mind wasnt that taxed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

the branch planning retreat was held at Safra/NSRCC resort instead.

from the planned phuket trip, to bangkok to batam to finally Safra resort!

it was an ok gathering. and thank God, the sun was out when we reached the bungalow.

just simply cant resist it. so a few of my colleagues and i went swimming and suntanning. i do not need to suntan of course but the idea of being under the sun is simply hard to resist.

went to changi village for dinner and the usual patrons were not there if u catch my lingo. and after that, back to the bungalow for the newcomers initiation. 5 of us. and we have to play a more challenging way of playing 7-up. only that the number is now 3.

the resident bitches of the branch prepared 5 cups of cocktail in accordance to the level of 'highness'. and i am supposed to drink the 2nd least severe cup. stood my ground and finally they agreed that my mentor will be drinking it. heh. lucky me.

2nd day, which is today, marked the planning meeting proper. the big boss disseminate all the info.

then, lunch ensued and my dear secretary conveniently forgot that i cant eat at the chinese restaurant. but whats to be done?

so i stressed to the waiter to give us, my mentor (which was a vegetarian for some reason for a period of time) and i, strict buddhist vegetarian food. and good for me, they also serve salmon sashimi! so yeah, attacked nearly 2 plates of sashimi.

they planned to have dinner at the Pasir Ris fisherman's village. gave it a pass cos the bitch wanted to meet up. but the date wasnt meant to materialise.

so went to orchard for a brief shopping therapy alone instead. and yes, good for me, G2000 had further reduction sale! bought 3 pieces of clothing.

bought 2 books, one for my sis' bday present and another book for yours truly.

bought a briefcase too. finally.

and here i am typing away cos people insisted that i updated frequently!

-------------------------------------------------------------

i have several things to share.

the first one is from Dale Carnegie. will share a poem another time.

for those who can obtain wisdom from what i gonna share, good for them. for those who cant, too bad. cos there is of cos a reason as to why i share this.

--------------------

Principle 1
Become genuinely interested in other people

Principle 2
Smile

Principle 3
Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Principle 4
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Principle 5
Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

Principle 6
Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

------------------------------------------------------------------

*shrugs*

weird

2005

its a brand new year and i am updating for the first time this year.

i initially planned a walk down memory lane. to see the major events for each mth. but i scrapped the idea.

just came back from the MUIS retreat. a purely planning retreat and i am bushed through out the 2 days spent at tanjong balau, johor.

many ideas which have to be acted on. truly its 2 days which i really taxed my brain.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

2004 is a year with many memories, many realisations.

things which i did for the first time. things which i never thought of doing. a lot of things.

on a superficial reflection, i realised i relied on very few, very very little stuffs for my emotional, spiritual and material well being.

so much so when i saw that things aint going my way, i feel very depressed. to say that 2004 is a yr of many fond memories and many periods of depression is not an understatement.

friends said i am too deep. some say i am a very pessimistic person. but i know myself. i rather rely on pessimism to guide my way thru rather than be very optimistic only to get disappointed big time.

looking at the monsoon waves while i was at tanjong balau, i really felt overwhelmed. by how much i rely on the person. by the sheer montrosity and magnificence of God.

told myself, rather psyched myself to break from that bond. now, i just feel numb. numb rather than sadness. whatever was said, was just words and memories. am i wrong to say that?

God created us for a reason. every single one of us have a role in this world. some to bring love. some to bring comfort. some to be a helper.

what is my role? i know my strengths. and some saw that. some 'utilise' me to achieve something in accordance with my strengths. some just took me for granted.

i am tired of depression. tired of the feeling that i am not wanted. not appreciated. not loved. should i continue having that feeling? should i keep on wallowing in self misery?

i planned many stuffs this year. some with my loved ones. loved ones this point of time. God knows whether it will materialise. career wise. for family. etc.

i have to start loving myself. spread my love to others who really need it rather than to people who already have lots of love showered upon. to help those who are needy.

i have to start living my own life.

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to sidetrack.

there was a girl who caught my eye from the first time i set my eyes on her.

i got a chance to get to know her at the beach. but i was too stupid not to approach her.

sigh.

god give me that chance again soon. or whenever He feels i have earned it.