Ask and it shall be given.
Seek and it shall be found.
Knock and the door will open.

====================================

its only noon and already i am updating. feeling damn bored, damn low, and all the negative feelings. cant seem to shake it off. even when the manager for the day shared many interesting concepts. it just fail to perk me up.

sigh. i am sick of this.

this hair is too short!
arghhhhhhhhhhhhh

the diva was actually pissed at me.
to be honest, i dunno why he was pissed at me but i knew he was.
too pissed that he didn feel like talking with me. serious stuffs.
but i guess this episode served to strengthen our friendship.
hope so.

i just do not like to compete with other elements for attention.
i dun see why i cant and shouldn have the full attention of someone when i need it.
when that happened, when i have to vie for it, i will just stop and retreat to the background.
nursing a wounded pride? heh i rather do that than to realise i am just another factor which contributes to the person needing to multi-task. a trait of a leo i guess.
then again, i give people my full attention.
i do realise i am starting to treat people equally.
a tooth for a tooth as how the bitch puts it.
and its not my character.
too forgiving la.
that sometimes i feel i lost my dignity.
well, a lion needs to have his dignity eh?
lions are weak too sometimes.

met chai nee just now.
a chance occasion.
in fact, i actually forgot her name! not the face though!
and boy how people change.
she is one pretty lady man!
anyway, got her number. meet up for a meal i guess.
too bad she is taken. not that i will pursue her anyway.
ahaha

the bitch told me of his latest scheme.
i do not know why but it killed my mood.
thats the prob. i do not know why.
told him what i think is the prob.
was just being fair.
anyway the money is gd and i hope he have fun doing it.

work is work. stress and stuffs.

"Poor is the man whose pleasures depends on the permission of others.

today is monday. but i think i had a good day. ;)

cant get to sleep the night before, slept at 4am in fact. woke up at 8. stretch, roll around on the bed, brainstorming in the toilet, journey to office, so i reached my workplace at 10.

rushed through my documents, did a snappy brainstorming for my uncle's funds allocation, discussed with my manager for awhile, and off i went to URA building.

Mr Nathan was there apparently. met my uncle, did a lousy presentation. haha cos he is my uncle la ah. gave him some figures, reasoned out with him why i wanted him to invest that amount, explained why i think india is good (i didn really explained anyway), then i just sit back and let him do the talking regarding his latest plans. haha i am good. for 20-30 minutes i let him talk. after which i just asked him to sign the papers and voila, a sales cycle which took less than 18hrs completed.

rushed back to river valley road for lunch with the bitches. 'suan'-ing sean all the way. went back office, completed all the paperwork, did some tidying up of my table, did some role-play, a mini sharing session with zhiwei, and i attempted to do a policy review for my cousin.

i hate MS excel.

manulife actually took out an advertisement in the papers today. no idea why they finally decide to do that. the marketing stand so far was minimal publicity in terms of advertisements and whatnot. but they started doing it anyway. so good for us.

i do not know why but i am really bullish abt the India Fund. its just so good. the macroecons details of the country is just so positive. not to mention almost all the banks and fund houses have their own india fund. of course ours' thru deutsche bank have an edge. not gonna mention why though.

hmm.. i wonder how the diva is doing, i do hope he is well on his way to settle whatever devils he is facing now. he barred me from probing, so i shant probe. ppl need their private space. did msg him though..

didn really irritate the bitch today. not many sms-es between us today too. *shrugs*

i hope it will be a good week.

i am still way behind my target!

disconsolate.
dejecting.

when u expect a 'hug' to sleep.
u ended up 'hugging' urself with a pillow to sleep.

unloved.
untouched.
unappreciated (?)

why did u even bother?

========================================

but eh,
u passed that i guess.
lingering feeling.
get over it.
many pebbles.
flowers.

focus.

had to sit thru a whole day of make-up training cos i missed one of the training days last month. what a bore! utterly redundant and the class this time round was populated by a bunch of totally stupid and imaginative product scientists. i hate such imaginative people! why on earth do u have to think so much? STUPID!

so what did my colleagues and me do when we are in such situation?

one of them was typing away on his new fujitsu trying to push thru the paperwork of a case. sean was staring at the trainer with his mind far far away. one of our UM, bok, was trying to concentrate while napping and cursing at the product scientists and i was doing all that they were doing.

it was a day of bitching. not because we want to! we were forced by the circumstances. we are becoming so demented that we kept on flashing our agency pass at each other and shouted "MANULIFE" haha. crazy zhiwei and his crazy ideas.

supposed to meet a friend for lunch yesterday but postponed it. supposed to meet the diva but american idol was more important than me.

so i decided to just go home. another friend called, so off to bugis i went.

had dinner at tong seng, standard la ah if at bugis, before we adjourn to a nice cosy bar for coffee. i've never went to that place before and the drinks are more expensive than the normal cafes but i guess the atmosphere made up for it.

went thru some stuffs with him and help him out with some work. i think i became too pushy when i was trying to put across sth. i actually detected a flash of irritation on his face before i quickly 'pour ice water over the furnace'. we just resumed our normal guys banter and cock-n-bull stories. looked at each other's images and fantasising what he will do when he wins toto. haha.

upon reflection, i actually can recall very vividly the scowl that was on his face. it was quite scary come to think of it. but i am good! actually i think my EQ is good! hahaha

sometimes its quite weird to have friends' birthday who are mathematically similar to ur own digits. 2/4/81, 4/8/81, 8/4/81. nice eh. maybe thats why i have a natural affinity to such persons. not to mention, i've always liked to make friends with sagitarius and aries. they somehow have some similarities with Leos. I shall not go into that though.

that was yesterday

=============

i stayed home today, in the sense that i didn go to work. woke up late, on the pc, fix an appt, and basically just slack in front of the pc.

went to the UOB branch at jurong east to settle the earmarked money from the debit card. the lady informed me that the merchant's bank which in this case was OCBC had to release the earmarked amount instead. i WAS SO DAMN PISSED!

but i am such such such a nice guy. still put on a smile and talked to her abt what can be done. so i went home, having made a wasted trip while cursing at the person who committed the blunder all the way home!

so i reached home and managed to speak with the poor lady (the one who was cursed by me) and explained to her abt my problem. she listened and apologised and liaised with her head office to settle my problem. she promised that i will get my money back in 3 days. IDIOT!~

debit card i realised now is such a hassle! its only good for booking movie tickets online!

hmm what else?

ya, i didn write abt my coffee session with e diva.
didn write abt my arguments with e bitch.
and i freaking need 9000NAC points!
dammit!

u strive to be a comfort to others.

u are only a friend to urself.

thoughts. words. actions.

was wondering the relation between the 3.

almost nobody know ur thoughts.

thoughts usually can be manifested to words or actions or both.

the best is thoughts that translate straight to actions.

words are just words. nice flowery words designed to impress. but it remain as such. just words. everyone can utter words, promises, undertaking etc etc.

but it remain as such.

thats the way of life.

what am i blabbering?

bored. cant sleep.

"Whats wrong?"

"You are the problem"

that really shut me up.

in a bid not to be too sensitive, asked 2 friends what they feel if such an answer was given? 1 said, very pissed. the other said, very hurt and in a way insulted.

lets see it in a more pragmatic way, i guess i am really the problem.

like i told my friend yest, look at ur actions, see whether u have done any mistakes towards ur friend, if u did, have u ever repeated it? if u honestly cant find any, then nothing is wrong with u. continue be the person u are.

even whilst typing this, i can think of some mistakes. tried my best not to repeat it though. still, no excuse! so i am really the problem.

==============================

went to town to settle some stuffs and garner some ideas. and the same freaking mistake was repeated.

my card was overcharged before it was voided. freaking idiotic!!!!!! i guess this is the shortcoming of debit cards!

i should just stick to NETS!

today was quite a day of unwilling self reflection (as if i was looking into a mirror and the mirror talked to me. like snow white's stepmother's mirror)

it happened twice.

================================================================

as usual, it was the weekly teens aLIVE programme today. i went without reading the course materials hence, was very unprepared. just went there, do whats needed, talk when i need to.

so as it turns out, there is this segment where the participants had to reflect on what they were like when they were 4 yrs old. the boys were broken to 2 groups courtesy of yours Truly. i facilitated one of the group. in total, the class were broken to 3 groups. my group consisted of abt 11 boys.

i was supposed to ask them questions which will depict what they were like when they were 4. but i asked instead what they were like when they were 6.

then i grew bored.

so i played a game instead with them. in fact all 3 lead trainers conducted it differently. al-Iman is really a champion of innovating the materials. wahaha but it worked so who cares!

when they were doing their assignment sheets, i sat with each of them and chatted. gave them pointers on maths, on their strengths and weakness.

one of them put sth like this, "What were u before? == Too friendly" "What do u want to be now? == Less friendly". So i asked, what he meant by his answers. He explained that he used to be taken advantage by friends. kept on lending money, things without the friends ever returning him. so he wanted to be less kind so to speak. now, of course i have to correct his perception. but rather, i was quite taken aback. caught off-guard for awhile. a sudden thought flashed my mind, have i been too friendly myself? though i was never a loan-shark. i never got round to address the issue.

its always tiring to handle teens. alot of puberty questions was thrown to the head trainer for today. lucky it wasnt me who had to conduct the class today.

===================================================

was bored when evening approaches. finally met a friend at suntec and we pondered where to go. finally, we decided on tanjong pagar.

so we went there. ogle at some chicks who are either there with their parents or their spouse. tsk

and we talked. in fact, he talked and i listened. for a good 2 hrs.

its as if, my soul was in that person's body. hearing him talked was as if hearing me talking. quite different dynamics but same root problem.

it was quite unnerving. but i tried my best to listen and focus.

then i just lead him thru to see the conclusion, to continue having his self-confidence. i think i fairly succeed in that area.

as i said, it was as if i was listening to myself talking. and me myself dishing out the advice. its funny. the test is, can i practise what i preached?

tsk

was perusing some poems and i came across this. i wished. i hoped.

"A true friend is the one who knows the song in your heart
and sings you the song when you're torn apart "

"...Think u have the animal look...."

=========================

"Do i look like a sheep, a rat or a horse?"

"Horse"

=========================

i wonder why they make friends with weird animal-looking people. a source of wonder.

this holidays are a bummer. absolutely bored.

feeling down.

"I have been entertaining u to the max eh"

my answer, thanks for that.

.

=============================================

in his trademark evasive style, he changed topics whenever i asked him abt a particular topic. since u do that, there is of course sth going on. if there isn't, there is no need to evade, nor change topics or anything.

in anycase, i really wish u all the best.

dun let chances slip pass by. it might not come again.

==============================================

take a step back in order to make the leap forward.

i actually have had no time to think abt it. maybe i should. no matter how freaking hard.

all aspects actually.

its impt to keep things balanced. u cant be too dependent on sth. bad. very bad.

on another note, its always good to be loved rather than loving someone. even miss fifi said that to me. heh.

so, i should treasure those who loves me. no?

================================================

today was quite hectic. busy. in fact, what i planned to do today didn materialise, except the shopping part.

ADT in the morning. that was always the enjoyable part. always felt rejuvenated after the session. had lunch with my colleagues before he proceeded to show tricks using cards this time round. tsk.

after lunch, its branch training. another very good thing. i always learnt new things from zhiwei.

then, its a bit of paperwork before off to town to find my stuffs and ryan's shirt. anne joined us for dinner.

had a good time bitching with the 2 guys. of course all the time i was expecting/hoping the bitch to at least sms. but yah. he didn. thats why, dun be too dependent on anything.

anyway, i think i trained the two guys to be bitches to the extent they let me sit on bird shit and still put on a poker face! i hope i have good luck from now on.

quite an ok day. fix certain appointments already. roughly know what i have to do for the week. a tentative sheesha date has also been fixed.

================================================

i hope everything goes well.

i met 2 former bmt mates of mine today. was totally unplanned. 2 different mates from 2 different companies.

one of them, yuren was someone i seldom talked to. was walking around when i just decide to approach him. and we chatted.

then, i saw another mate who lives in jurong too. its just weird to see him at the same place as me. yeah, we saw each other in jurong point and stuffs. but its like a case of once too often!

in any case, i psycho-ed them to run with me. its quite a nice feeling to run again. to start running again i mean. have been living a totally unhealthy life for a few mths already! time to at least try to get back in shape!

went to yishun with weiliang. me to aunt's. him to meet up with his gf. we updated each other. he is quite an entrepeneur! was quite amazed at his investment/business portfolio. but of course, me being doing what i am doing, i cant show i am impressed. just keep nodding my head, ask intelligent questions, dangle some teasing advices and voila, i started a sales cycle with him! truth be told, i need to take a leaf out of his book! will do some planning, and maybe i can invest in some of his ventures. its really quite interesting!

settled my aunt's investment. i just explained the basics and ask her to sign the forms. hehe of course its because i am already late for another appointment and am already full because she fed me with her specialty.

so went to bedok to meet my cousin. supposed to push through 3 cases to him but he haven received his statement. so just collect his policies and explained the india fund which he is interested in.

and basically, thats my day.

=============================

something quite major happened in the family. i didnt think much abt it cos i was busy thinking of other stuffs, some impt, some just plain distracting but ultimately not impt.

something my aunt related to me just now made me realise how major the issue actually is.

my uncle had to rent out the house to finance some financial liability. as a result, my grandparents had to move out. ultimately, that means, my grandmother will have to go live in her house in johor. and my granddad will have to go back to another uncle's house after work and go back johor on weekends.

even then, i didn think much of it.

my aunty told my grandma, "macam mana mak? mak kene berkorban la"
(how mum? u have to sacrifice la)

and that jolted me.

after hearing that, i am very pissed with my uncle. it was like, why on earth he get that liability? and now the old couple have to sacrifice and stressed and troubled whilst they should be just enjoying life. sigh.

i actually thought of letting them use my name to rent an apartment with hdb. told my mum that. and she told me with her trademark, NO! dun get urself into unnecessary trouble. she said its going to be just temporary.

i asked back, how temporary? how long do they have to stay there? she answered simply, 2 years only!

i just keep quiet. cant be bothered to answer her anymore.

sigh. i pity my granny. even now, while typing, my eyes are glazed.

i'll see what i can do.

=========================

i do love to cook. but with the current situation, i haven been cooking much. except for the occasional green bean soup, eggs and noodles.

i am not a bad cook too. once, i tried a recipe. i think its hokkien mee or sth. let my granny taste it, and she gave the nod. so ya, i am a passable cook since granny gave the nod!

its just that i have been busy, going out. doing stuffs that i haven been cooking much. it takes too much effort anyway.

my mum dun really like me to cook. simple reason, i always mess up the kitchen. but she do enjoy my dishes. wahahaha. anyway my sisters now do the cooking, so i dun show my skills much.

i haven been having a good appetite lately. survived on just a packet of biscuit and sweets and tea for the whole day yest before i ate some finger food from old chang kee at night. i cooked noodles when i reached home though.

today, no breakfast. ate lunch at 3 when i reach my aunt's. ate half a loaf of baguette with a big fish head when i reached home. that seems like gorging. somehow, my appetite is just screwed.

*shrugs*

=================================

after blog-hopping, a thought came to me, should i just let go? its like a case of a broken.. something... u know, anything when u fix it back, it can still work, but not as good as before..

sigh. its hard to just let go. freaking hard.

then, i remembered, sth which i read, "sometimes, u have to take a step back in order to make the leap forward."

sibeh cheem! i am still trying to understand that phrase and reap a lesson from it.

maybe i should. let go. or at least, just take a step back. see how things go. and maybe then, i can take a leap forward.

it just seem so profound to me still.

=========================================

the diva was quite sad his adventure and 2nd time experiment didn turn out all well. consoled him of course. its not that bad. gave him some honest comments. maybe he can do better next time. and i know he will.

the bitch is going for a lunch date. good for him. and all the best!

me? work.

i just read razil's blog after quite sometime. that guy is like one mat-tish professor but he write good stuffs. cutting and paste an excerpt,

"Some people tends to show their affection.. show that they care.. Whenever you're down.. they tend to give you a shoulder.. a hug. Some words of encourage to lift you up. It's okay.. It's alright.. everything will turns out fine.. bla bla bla.. It's easy to know that they care.. coz it's shown. For us to see, feel and think that they care."
(i m quite this type of person. its just not me to see those around me frowning, sad. the least i will do is buy a choc? coffee? tea? or at least frequent sms-es)

"Some people tends to look into your eyes and try to understand what's going on. Without needing you to say anything and they will ask you what's wrong. These are the people who observe the norms of your daily behaviour. And when you pour out everything that is kept inside.. they tend to listen.. and maybe advice you alittle. Again, it's easy to know that they care.. coz it's shown."
(ah i like this description! i am the type who likes to look into the eye. but when i talk abt myself, i usually break the eye contact. dun wanna people delve too deep into myself aye. the diva should realise this! wahaha)

"Some people tends to keep quiet and wait for the right time to help. They tend to look at you when you're feeling down. They will only give you a word of advice or encouragement when you approach them. If you don't.. they buat bodoh like nobody's business. In this case, it's not easy to know if they care unless you try your luck. Tapi orang macamni selalunya dia pikir panjang.. Kalo dia dah start berbual.. kasi advice ker.. kasi words of encouragement ke.. Makan dalam punyier~~"
(i am sometimes like this when its with people i am not really close to. or i haven connect in that close terms. but again, i try to bring a smile, even a bitter smile to their faces.)

"Some people pulak.. tends to keep quiet at all times punyier. Kita bilang ke tak bilang ker.. dia diam jugak. But they will listen to your problems at anytime of the day. Orang camni, bukan dia tak peduli.. dia peduli.. cuma dia takmo cakap banyak. They prefer to listen rather than say anything.. coz to them, what they say or think won't do any good to the other party.. or will hurt the other party. Dia takmo pandai pandai kasi jalan penyelesaian.. padahal dia pon tak tau pape.. so dia diam lagik baik. In a way, they tend to help by listening to your problems. In this case, it's not easy to know if this person cares.."
(my dear chandra used to say this to me. once i told him, i am sorry i dunno what to say abt ur problem. and he answered, never mind firus, u listening to me means a lot already! woohooooooooo. but usually i will try to give a general advice or hint at sth. it works according to Mr Z.)

"To me, everybody cares. Pucuk pangkal.. we know with whom we are talking to. We know the person's attitude, ways of helping. Once we know their style.. we will know whether or not they care. We must understand that not everybody is the same. Each of us have own style in handling matters and each of us too, have our own preferences. So who's to say who cares and who doesn't, huh?"
(yeah. true. and Yours Truly is guilty! different people different strokes ya. but to me no matter which paragraph u fall into, u still need to listen. and there is not much ways to show the person u listen aye? Listening is Power. and i still do not know where the bitch falls into.)

the trip has been postponed. indefinitely.

again, i dun really feel anything. sore? not really. maybe momentarily. but quickly dispelled. in any case, it taught me sth.

u may be willing to just put aside work or what u should concentrate on to make the plan a reality. even when its at a very impt weekend where the closing deadlines for the production mth is near. still, u willingly overlooked that and coupled that with a possible ear-rending words from ur manager. still, anything to make it a reality yah.

BUT, what u want may not be what u get. after all, to quote the exact words, "it takes two hands to clap". yeah man!

so, its postponed. the earmarked budget has already been channelled to other uses. well, not definite, but yah. knowing myself, its already done.

the cheek to make it look as if i am the one at fault. goodness gracious.

should u conform to others, or make others conform to u, or give and take? i like the last option. but yah, its hard to fathom what one really thinks and what makes the person ticks.

sometimes eh, u think u know e person, or u think u can trust the person to tell u everything only to realise thats not the case. ah of course, to at least try is already a good step ya. kudos for the effort. continue in it, but all obligations are waived. better la. everyone has their own lives to lead. clinging to a losing cause or hope is bad for oneself.

hmm let me see, went to citigems. nice rings they got. and its cheap. but their bangles/bracelets cant be compared to tianpo's.

me very fickle. already i have like 4 options as to what to buy for the diva. from the downright sentimental but too feminine, to a very kinky idea suiting his horny personality to sth practical to sth very vainly metrosexual. and as his trademark attitude, he rather i subsidize what he liked for the vanity shopping than to let me pay for it all. woohooooo i think i shld add another idea, a g-string wouldn cost that much!

i am still far from achieving my fastStart. how man? rather slow slow in production.

so both apologised. and i realised, i dun really need their apologies. read the previous entry over and over again and yah, a melancholic sad part where i lament abt the 2 friends but thats life ya.

was quite surprised she still remembered abt the stallion/unicorn analogy i used. in fact i was trying to remember what exactly i said when i used it on her a few mths back. in any case, i am good. then again, so what? heh. again, paradox of life.

was quite pissed that my little plan was thwarted unknowingly by the bitch. it was so stupid. *shrugs*

nothing much to write.